Hey, everyone! I know I haven't posted here in a while but I just wanted y'all to know I have a new tv mini snark up on the Dreamwidth BSC Snark as well as some of my past snarks. I will be posting there from now on unless anyone wants me to start posting here again. Just let me know where you feel more comfortable going to and I'll post accordingly. Hope to hear from you soon!
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Article 9
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BSC e-books
I live in the Philippines, so BSC books are hard to come by. My only source for them right now is my school library. Because of that, I can only have a book for a week, which is not a good thing when it comes to snarking. Does anyone have an e-book or a PDF you could send me?
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#1 Kristy's Great Idea (Cover - Chapter 5)
I've been lurking around the archive for a while now and I decided, hey! Why not join the community?
Tell me how to edit these things, I'm not used to LJ's style yet.
Tell me how to edit these things, I'm not used to LJ's style yet.
So I made a post asking the members what should be snarked first (I only listed the books from my school library, but I found the Dropbox link to all the BSC books and thanks to road_baby's link I now have all of them!) and most of them asked for the first book, so here we are.
A lot of media that I've consumed such as Homestuck and Steven Universe fostered a love of little details and foreshadowing in me. Which BSC is bad at. I tend to notice when a detail given in the book is never mentioned again or disappears gradually over time. I also dislike exposition dumps.
Since this book is the first one, I don't expect it to be as crazy or stupid as the later books are, but it's the BSC. Anything can happen.
This is my first snark! Be kind.
COVER:
Drawn by Dale Dyer (I assume).
The first time I picked up this book in my school library, I was a bit confused because I couldn't see Kristy at all on the cover. Then I realized that the brunette on the floor in the dress was Kristy. I have to admit, it's weird seeing Kristy out of uniform, looking like an actual 12 year-old and not an 18 year-old.
Mary Anne is still Mary Anne. Stacey actually looks “sophisticated”, but Claudia's outfit is pretty tame.
Mary Anne is still Mary Anne. Stacey actually looks “sophisticated”, but Claudia's outfit is pretty tame.
This book got an updated cover by Hodges:
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That's the Kristy I know. Mary Anne remains Mary Anne. Claudia's outfit looks more like something she'd actually wear (and something a teenager in the 2010s would wear too). It looks like Stacey had a nice tops picked out and a nice skirt and shoes, but she didn't know what to pair them with, so she just wore them all.
I see that Nancy Drew book on the floor. It doesn't look like one I own. Apparently it's Secret of the Old Clock. Nancy Drew was actually my introduction to ghostwriters. Turns out, Carolyn Keene is a pen name for a whole bunch of writers, but the first and original author is Mildred Benson.
There's no ghostwriter for this book, and it's all Ann M. Martin. While that's all good, I can't wait to dive into the worlds of Peter “Harrumph” Lerangis and (Ellen Miles) and the like.
CHAPTER ONE:
This book opens with Kristy saying that the BSC “was totally my idea, even though the four of us worked it out together.” Humble.
It's a hot day, and SMS does not have air conditioning, so the students were allowed to take up ten minutes of Social Studies to fold paper fans. I don't think it takes that long to make a paper fan, and it doesn't take much effort to, so you can do it during the lecture. Kristy also mentions that she's not wearing a ponytail, another instance of Early-Installment Weirdness.
The bell rings at 2:42 (that's an oddly specific time) and Kristy jumps out of her seat and yells “Hooray!” at Mr. Redmont's face. The real shocking part is that Kristy feels bad. The class leaves and Mr. Redmont tells Kristy to write a hundred-word essay on decorum, a word that she doesn't know. I actually didn't know that word either when I first picked this up at age 10.
Mary Anne's standing outside the classroom door biting her nails. Fun fact, I always read Spier like “Spy-er” and only now did I realize that it's pronounced “Spear”. I still can't read it like that though. This segues into a paragraph of exposition about MA.
Kristy pulls MA's hand out of her mouth (her whole hand was in there?) and asks how MA's supposed to wear nail polish, which segues into a paragraph of exposition about MA's father. Was it intentional that his name can be shortened to Dick?
Kristy realizes that it's her day to take care of David Michael, and she has to get home before DM does. I wonder why David Michael has to be referred to by two names and not just David. It doesn't roll off the tongue as easily as Mary Anne, and we don't call his sister Kristy Amanda either.
This segues into a paragraph of exposition about Kristy's brothers. She also mentions a girl named Kathy who babysits DM when his siblings can't. We never hear of Kathy again, so we can assume that Kristy had her executed after forming the BSC.
The girls find DM crying at the doorstep because he got locked out. They open the door and Louie the collie runs out (RIP Louie). Kristy offers to make DM lemonade, DM smiles, and this segues into a paragraph of exposition about how good with kids Kristy and MA are. I find that hilarious because by definition, Kristy and MA are still kids (*flashbacks to Mallory's I <3 Kids shirt*).
Kristy and MA discuss who's babysitting Jamie Newton, which segues into a paragraph of exposition about Claudia.
Claudia was the BSC member I identified the most when I was younger. Asian, artist, Nancy Drew fan. Then I read the later books and found out how dumb she was. Nowadays I identify with Janine more, which will probably affect my future snark of Claudia and Mean Janine (oh boy).
Claudia is not close to Kristy and MA, a detail I wish was brought up more in the BSC books. She also started getting interested in clothes and boys. That kinda messed me up a bit when I turned 13 and was not like that. Even now at 15, I'm not into fashion nor have I ever gotten a crush (some dudes have piqued my interest, but not a full-blown crush). I blame Claudia for making me think I was developing wrong.
Sam and Charlie get home. Charlie made the SHS football varsity team, a detail that will be forgotten as Charlie slowly transforms into the BSC chauffeur.
Charlie and Sam ask Kristy and DM if they wanna play ball in the backyard of the Hanson family, which I have never heard of outside of this book. Kristy declines to take DM to the brook, which I have never heard of outside of this book.
Kristy and MA plan to chat with their flashlights at nine o'clock. Kristy says they have a code, but she doesn't elaborate what it is. It would be cool if it was Morse Code. Apparently MA can't use the phone unless it's for homework or babysitting. So, she can't use it for emergencies then?
The Thomas kids walk into the kitchen smelling cheese and pepperoni. Dammit, now I'm hungry, and I just had lunch. Their mom, Elizabeth, needs someone to watch DM because Kathy cancelled. The kids give their excuses, and Sam mentions Math club. Another detail that will disappear as he transforms into one of Stacey's many conquests.
Elizabeth calls a bunch of people to see if they could sit for DM. Finally, she asks Mrs. Newton if Kristy could bring DM along when she's sitting for Jamie. Why didn't Elizabeth try that first? I know it's so Kristy can get the idea for the BSC, but this is pretty contrived.
Kristy gets the idea for the BSC and almost chokes on her pizza. I just got struck by an idea as well.
#200 Mallory and the True BSC
Tagline: Mal found out the secret that she never wanted to know.
Kristy finds out that the BSC is an acronym for a cult led by Kristy's ancestors. Her father was the last leader, but after he left, the title has passed down to Kristy. She put stuff in Stonybrook's water to brainwash the parents into letting the BSC train the children in thei ways. Mallory finds out but no one listens to her because the world hates her. So at another BSC pizza party, Mal decides to make sure Kristy does choke on a pizza to prevent the BSCult from continuing their reign.
CHAPTER TWO
Ah, Chapter Twos before the formula took over. I'll enjoy my time here before it disappears like everything else.
Kristy does her essay and writes “The End” at the end to meet her word quota, which is something I would totally do. Then she plans for the BSC. I enjoy how she says “he or she” could call them, but there are barely any fathers in the BSC books.
Elizabeth knocks on her door and this segues into a paragraph of exposition about Kristy's own father. Hopefully the book version of Unsavory Patrick doesn't make sperm pancakes. Kristy also mentions that Elizabeth has a “terrific job at this big company in Stamford” but doesn't say what it is.
We get a sweet moment of bonding between Kristy and her mom, which will get rarer as parents become nothing but plot devices for the next sitting job. Kristy mentions that Elizabeth goes off to talk to Sam, which I love too.
Kristy tells MA about the BSC. Apparently MA's dad doesn't know about the flashlight code. I don't see why MA has to hide it. Maybe MA thinks she has to because of her dad's strict rules.
Elizabeth comes back to tell Kristy that she's going out with Watson. Kristy talks about how she doesn't like Watson, and that he's balding. I don't see how that makes you dislike someone. Later we see why she really doesn't like Watson. Kristy's scared that her mom remarrying would ruin the life that she has now, which is understandable.
Watson needs someone to watch his kids on Saturday morning because he's working. Later books would have him buying groceries or buying a birdbath. Kristy refuses, probably because she's already sensing Karen from mention alone. I'm dreading meeting her too.
CHAPTER THREE
MA's going to be sitting for the Pikes, specifically the silly-billy-goo-goo and the vomit dispenser. They decide to meet up at Jamie Newton's house to dicuss the BSC. Something I've noticed is the baby-sitters tend to bring kids over to other houses without notifying the parents. If I was a parent, I'd be mad if a baby-sitter took my kid somewhere else just so she could hang out with her friends.
Kristy and DM meet Jamie, who is 3 years old. DM questions the fact that Kristy expects him to play with a 3 year-old, another thing that will gradually phase away.
Jamie shows off his GI Joes (an actual 90s thing in a BSC book?) and he and DM run off to play with them. Mrs. Newton's baby is due for 8 weeks and Kristy shows signs of K. Ron by wishing it would hurry up. Kristy mentions that as soon as Mrs. Newton leaves, she calls MA, meaning she didn't mention the Pike kids to Mrs. Newton.
MA comes over. Claire and Jamie “hi-hi” at each other while Margo and DM stink-eye at each other. Kristy tries to tell MA about the BSC but Jamie falls off the swing, so they decide to meet up at Claudia's later. Jamie and DM are actually watching TV, and it's not I Love Lucy.
Kristy runs over to Claudia's which segues into a paragraph of exposition about Claudia and boys. Claudia wears a bra and gets crushes on boys. Kristy doesn't and thinks boys are dicks. Kristy isn't into dicks.
Claudia's wearing this:
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And it reminds me of the wacky friend in a 90's Disney/Nick sitcom.
Claudia's wearing ugly make-up and Kristy tries not to insult her. Claudia says she just thinks it's exotic and that segues into a paragraph of exposition about Claudia being Japanese-American and “fashionable”.
Claudia wants to go to school wearing it, which segues into a paragraph of exposition about Claudia's parent's attitude towards her fashion. Claud only babysits for money, apparently.
Mimi makes a cameo (RIP Mimi) and Kristy asks where Janine is, which segues into a paragraph of exposition about Janine.
Janine's a 15 year-old university student (which I would've been too, had the Philippines not adopted K-12) who corrects grammar. Janine apparently has a best friend: a 14 year-old math nerd who's also becoming a university student. Her second best friend is a computer. So is mine.
Kristy says that it's Janine's fault that Claudia focuses on art and does poorly in school. I can see her being one of the causes, but the way it's worded makes it sound like Janine makes Claudia do badly on purpose.
Kristy explains the BSC and Claud and MA like the idea. Claud mentions her personal phone line (which could not have been cheap back in the day) and they decide to have meetings in her room. Claud brings up Stacey, who Kristy and MA are wary of until Claud says the three magic words: New York City.
They all decide to meet the next day at 5:30, and the BSCult as we know it began.
CHAPTER FOUR
Kristy goes over to Claudia's, and she's wearing this:
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Which is much better than whatever the hell the other outfit was.
Claudia mentions that Janine's home like it's a bad thing. I bet Janine wouldn't be so quiet and weird if the girls weren't dicks to her.
Janine compliments the BSC and corrects Kristy's misuse of hopefully. I would do that too; I hate when people use hopefully wrong. MA comes over and Kristy “warns” MA of Janine's presence.
They all meet Stacey and Kristy starts to feel self-conscious because Stacey's wearing this:
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And Kristy and MA are wearing these:
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(also, Kristy's in a dress? Willingly?)
Stacey talks about how her apartment building had 200 apartments and that she can stay out til 10 PM. Stacey wants to know the neighborhood better and get cash while doing it. MA asks why she moved out and Stacey changes the subject. This behavior towards her diabetes is weird if you didn't read The Baby-sitters Remember (which is a doozy).
Stacey used to go to a private school and she didn't have to wear a uniform. I go to a private school too and I have to wear a uniform. Being a t-shirt and jeans person, I don't really care about wearing one. Mary Anne orgasms at every detail of New York that Stacey mentions. Stacey joins and they start planning.
Claud mentions all the food stashed away in her room. I never got how the girls felt so comfortable in Claud's room. It sounds like it smells and it's messy. Stacey declines an M&M and claims she's on a diet, prompting Kristy to say she's skinny and ask how much she weighs. Kristy, not all diets are for weight. Some are for health in general. Plus, it's just one M&M. While it would kill Stacey, it's still a candy.
Kristy tells her that it's not good to diet when you don't need one (again, health diets) and asks if her mother knows. Staey's saved by Janine telling them that MA's dad called, so she has to go. They decide to meet up at recess.
The lunch at SMS sucks. The lunch at my school is pretty good, then again I'm in an agricultural area so fresh ingredients are easier to obtain where I am. No need for mystery meat.
Apparently boys putting mashed peas in their milk turns Claudia on. Girl loves her food. The girls meet up at the playground and plan advertising. Claud draws the logo, somehow without misspelling anything, and the BSCult has their official symbol.
CHAPTER FIVE:
They start spreading the news and the newspaper accepts their ad without charging them for some reason. They also start electing officers, and everyone fits a role. Stacey runs out to give herself an insulin shot and after an awkward moment they work on the fliers.
Kristy mentions Watson, Stacey asks who that is, and she explains that her parents are divorced. She asks if Stacey's parents are divorced too. I get a small twinge of sadness when Stacey says her parents have been married for 15 years. Claudia says hers were married for 20 years. MA ruins the mood by saying her mom died. Nice job, MA.
They disband. We're back at Kristy's house. DM loves Watson because he had no father growing up which gives me another small twinge of sadness. Watson brought Chinese take-out for the Thomases. Kristy snots about him. Kristy, balding or not, this guy is making your mom happy, being a father for DM, and giving you free food. Tolerate him, at least.
Kristy asks about his kids. She thinks it's “stinky” how Watson left his kids alone to eat dinner with them. Don't be mad now. In the future, Watson will be abandoning his kids for a birdbath. Watson says he got a baby-sitter and Kristy shuts up.
Charlie and Sam like Watson, which is a bit surprising. They're the eldest two, so they spent more time with Unsavory Patrick. I assume they'd be the ones who'd be wary of Watson. Then again, maybe the prolonged exposure to Unsavory Patrick and his sperm pancakes made them hate him more.
Charlie mentions his girlfriend Carol. I thought Charlie's girlfriend was Sarah. Isn't Carol the name of Dawn's stepmom? Unless...Dawn did say Carol was young...
Kristy refuses to eat Watson's food, so she looks for leftover chili and makes a PB&J sandwich. Watson is a little hurt and I feel the twinge of sadness again. Watson tries to start coversation with Kristy but she brushes him off, leading Sam to mention Math club again. ...Wait. Janine's best friend is a 14 year-old math nerd. Sam's a 14 year-old Math nerd. That makes so much sense! That's gonna be really awkward when Charlie and Janine start their weekly make-out sessions.
Watson calls GI Joes “dolls” which gives Kristy an opening to call Watson a bad father. He isn't, at least in this book. Kristy knows that but keeps pushing til her mom tells her to go to her room. Kristy feels bad though, so she apologizes to her mom via note. Her mom replies in the morning with “I love you too.” That twinge of sadness is back.
I leave it off here, tell me what you thought of it!
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#1 Kristy's Great Idea (Chapter 6 - Chapter 10)
I had time, so let's go forth!
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I'll leave it off here. See you later!
CHAPTER SIX
So apparently they did pay for that newspaper ad. Later in the day, they meet up at Claudia's room. On the door is a sign with the logo and hours. Miraculously, nothing is misspelled.
Claudia and Kristy watch the phone and Janine comes by to correct a grammar problem that may or may not exist. I do that too sometimes, wonder if a word is supposed to be descriptive or possessive. The girls act like this is the worst thing in the world and are “saved” when Stacey comes by.
Mary Anne arrives and they all sit around the room in awkward silence. Stacey refuses a jawbreaker. I'm pretty sure people with diabetes can have the occasional sweet, as long it's not too sugary or not too much.
They get a call at 5:30 sharp from Kristy's mom. The dialogue when Kristy answers sounds like actual phone talk, unlike later books which had them repeating everything the caller said. Compare this book's “What? You do? Oh.” to a later book's “You want a sitter for Jamie Newton on Saturday?”
David Michael still needs a sitter. Only Stacey and Kristy are free. Stacey says Kristy should take it since DM's her brother, but takes it back when Kristy mentions her older brothers. Stacey's never had a Stoneybrook boy before, so she takes the job.
They get a prank call that they don't get and a call from Mrs. McKeever for her three year-olds, Buffy and Pinky. If I were them, I'd double check because there is no way in hell someone named their kids Buffy and Pinky. Unless they were one of those weird fans who names kids after TV show characters. My English teacher's daughter is named Katana. It's both sad and kickass.
They get prank called three more times and for some reason never catch on that it's a prank call. Claudia mentions that she's gotten weird calls before. I wonder what kind.
Elizabeth calls again. Watson needs a sitter for Hellspawn and Andrew. Kristy refuses but MA accepts, shrugging off that bad feeling creeping up on her. They get prank called a final time and turns out it's Sam. I'm surprised Kristy didn't figure out sooner.
Kristy and MA think he's a dick but because Claud and Stacey are into those they think he's hilarious. And I do admit, that is a better prank call than “Is your fridge running?”
Kristy gets home and fights with Sam, which gets them a time-out. Claud calls to tell Kristy she got a job for Jamie Newton after hours. Kristy feels hurt because she usually sits for Jamie. She flashes the news to MA later, and MA responds with TOO BAD. The way it's written in all caps makes it look hilariously sarcastic.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Kristy goes to the McKeever's and notices that there seem to be no signs of children. This makes Kristy think they're “boring children who wanted to spend the afternoon learning about butterflies or food groups or something”. Okay, shut up, that is a very normal thing for children to do. Sometimes children like to learn. That's why Jamie and DM were watching Sesame Street earlier. Then again, Kristy gets a pit in her stomach if Janine knocks on the door.
Miss Hargraves, Mrs. McKeever's niece, answers the door. For some reason, the house is filled with fine china but Hargraves describes B&P as “unruly”. Okay, small children or dogs, you don't put fragile things all around your house if you have them.
Hargraves introduces Kristy to B&P, two rowdy St. Bernards. I was never really a dog person. I prefer to have cats, but I have a goldfish called Mr. Fish XV, so that's not happening soon. My cousin got a puppy named Charcoal from my classmate as a graduation present though, lucky her. My classmate wore a black shirt so he snuck it in the school nested in his jacket, camoflagued from the teachers. It sat in our classroom hiding for half the day and it was adorable.
The reason why I veered off-topic is because the B&P sitting job ispredictable. Wacky hijinks ensue and Kristy gets the idea for the notebook, plus $3.50. I'm pretty sure that rate should be higher. But then again this was before inflation.
The notebook's supposed to be about sitting jobs where the members could learn from each others' mistakes, but later it seems to be more like a bunch of suburban soccer mom stories in bad handwriting. “Karen killed a cat today because she thought it was Morbidda Destiny's familiar! That Karen, with her big imagination!” “I was babbystitting fore Jinny Prezsiozio todoy.” “Ew ew ew!”
CHAPTER EIGHT
It's Claudia's sitting job for Jamie, and her notebook entry doesn't have as much errors as the later books do. That also means I can't make fun of her. The day will come.
Turns out Mrs. Newton forgot to mention the three other kids coming over. Jamie and Rosie hate each other, Brenda was getting over chicken pox and Rob hates women, even his own mom. The day goes as expected, with Brenda acting out and Rob and Jamie thinking girls are dumb and fighting with Rosie.
Claudia tries to make them behave, which makes the kids (except Jamie) start a rebellion. Jamie sits down because he was raised better and the other three start making a ruckus. Claudia panics but gets inspired by Jamie behaving and remembers when her parents would ignore her and Janine if they acted out. Claudia manages to spell ignore correctly too.
While that isn't the best method when it comes to regulating children’s behavior, it works for Claudia. She starts reading to Jamie and as she goes on, the kids realize she isn't paying attention and start listening to the stories.
All I did when my second cousin started running around the house making noise was turn off all the lights in the house except the living room to confine him to one space then I put on Blue's Clues. That gave me an hour of quiet reading.
CHAPTER NINE
Sam wouldn't be caught dead with a junior high girl, but when he saw Stacey, and Stacey showed him what she had to offer, he went back on that pledge.
DM was introduced to Stacey and Sam came home punching a baseball glove. He promptly used the glove to cover his crotch when he laid eyes upon the “foxy” Stacey.
Okay, I buy that Stacey could look attractive to a 14 year-old, but I doubt that any 12 year-old could be called “foxy”. Then again, sophisticated is a synonym for stacked in the BSC-verse, so I guess this could happen.
Also, there's only a two year age gap between 12 and 14, but the maturity gap is wider. I'm only 15 and I still remember those years clearly.
Kristy mentions that she has no idea what they see in each other, because she has “absolutely no interest in boys”. I have another great idea.
Book #626, Kristy and the Rainbow Girl.
Tagline: Kristy's always felt different, and know she knows why.
Kristy meets a lesbian in school who inroduces Kristy to LGBT. Kristy finds out that she's bi. Kristy works out both her feelings towards her sexuality and her growing feelings towards Abby. More importantly: Does she tell her friends and family, or will they kick her out for being “different”?
...You know what, the world is better off without that book. Just like the abuse book, the anorexia book, and the many diabetes books, AMM and the ghosties would find some way to make it weird and fuck it up.
Stacey was wearing this weird mess:
And Sam was wearing a stupid shirt and hobo jeans. I have no idea what they saw either.
Stacey wipes her mouth and Sam lays it on smooth. Stacey plays shy and nervous. DM doesn't care and gets Twinkies. Sam offers half of his to Stacey and she refuses. Sam goes “Right, the diet, Takes a lot of willpower to resist...temptations.” Stacey almost goes for it and remembers that DM is still in the room so she asks DM if he wants to play Candy Land. Stacey creams when Sam says seductively: “I'm the Candy Land World Champion.”
So the three spend the rest of the time playing Candy Land. Stacey leaves when Kristy arrives, but not without making an offer to play with Sam again. Wink wink.
CHAPTER TEN
It's MA's turn. Time for the sitting job with Hellspawn and Andrew. Cue the mood music:
On second thought, maybe that music is way too epic for Hellspawn. Plus, she hasn't become Hellspawn yet at this point. No, the transformation from Karen to Hellspawn is gradual, just like everyone else's transformations.
MA actually says that Karen has a problem in the notebook entry instead of just shaking her head and chuckling like she would later in the series. MA meets Boo-boo the cat and gets an intro to Mrs. Porter, who will gradually become known solely as Morbidda Destiny as the books go on.
Andrew and Karen are actually pretty cute, until they go outside and Karen tells MA about Morbidda Destiny. MA thinks that telling her the truth would make her a bad baby-sitter, but agreeing would make her a liar. MA loses the chance to stop Hellspawn from ever forming by choosing not to tell the truth. You fool!
Mrs. Porter sticks her face at her window and Karen and Andrew freak out. For some reason MA can't stop calling Mrs. Porter Morbidda. She can't actually be buying Karen's shit, can't she? I mean, she's emotional but she's not stupid. That's Claudia's character trait.
Boo-boo gets into trouble and MA buys Karen's shit. Mrs. Porter is not a witch! Nor is Janine a weirdo. What is with the BSC and not liking people who are slightly different from their definition of normal?
I'll leave it off here. See you later!
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#1 Kristy's Great Idea (Chapter 11 - Chapter 15)
I'm finishing this book today and feeling happy, so have my favorite Toby Fox song Moonsetter:
I've been trying to learn how to play that on the piano, but it's a bit too fast for my fingers. On with the snark!
UK COVER
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WHO THE FUCK DREW THIS
IT'S GAZING INTO MY SOUL
CHAPTER ELEVEN
We meet the Marshalls for the first time and the girls make sure to ask about everything, but not to the extent of future books, like book #5 where Dawn wants to know the Barrett kids' nightmares.
Claudia gets the job, and they count their earnings. They got $26.75, which is probably what they should've been paid each. Instead of saving up, they decide to use the money immediately on a pizza party. Normally, I'd be mad because I think it's better to save your first earning and spend the second one so you still have money to fall back on. But it's their first week of business, so I'll give that a pass.
The girls start getting pumped up until they remember Stacey's diet. Stacey mentions that she has to go to New York on pizza day anyway. Another awkward moment of Stacey trying to hide her diabeetus, and the club is dismissed.
Kristy goes home to find Watson lounging on the couch like he lived there. Watson's having dinner with the Thomases, and instead of take-out, they're having leftovers. Which is a bad sign for Kristy. I'd feel the same way.
Elizabeth asks her to go put on a dress and Kristy yelps, “What's wrong with my school clothes?” and says she doesn't wear a dress if she can help it. Wait, didn't she say earlier that her school clothes were “a skirt and blouse”? And she's wearing a jumper on the original cover too. I understand inconsistencies with this book and later books, but this one is in the same book. AMM couldn't get it straight even for the first book?
Apparently Elizabeth has an “I'm the Mommy” shirt which is only in-name as later books will have her leaving her kids with a bunch of other kids so she can go buy groceries.
Charlie, Sam, and DM are also dressing up. Looks like something important's about to happen. They all go to the dining table, and I'll use this moment to insert a couple of doodles I made last night:
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Being Filipino, I have no idea what Spaghetti-O’s are. I looked it up and it looks disgusting. They also have Gatorade in wine goblets, which reminds me of a restaurant I went to that served red ice tea in goblets and the waiter acted like he was giving us vintage wine.
Watson and Elizabeth are considering getting engaged. The boys congratulate them but Kristy almost ruins the mood by asking what would happen if they did. Elizabeth does what I would do and tells Kristy to care about that stuff later and dig into her heart attack-inducing dinner of Twinkies and fried chicken. I really hate mood killers. It makes everything awkward and quiet.
CHAPTER TWELVE
The club postpones the pizza party. Sam almost misses a Math club meeting, and Charlie loses his football helmet, foreshadowing the death of their personalities. Louie almost dies, foreshadowing his literal death. Mary Anne calls saying “Mmfawolemspoo-munno”, foreshadowing the spelled-out accents of later books.
What MA's trying to say is Richard won't let her spend three bucks on pizza because she needs to save for “clothes and college”. A) MA can't even buy her own clothes yet and B) MA is 12. I understand saving for college but geez, can't a 12 year-old hang out with friends and have a pizza every once in a while, Dick?
Claudia calls up saying that her parents got a letter from school again, so they're banning parties so she can catch up on all the homework she didn't do. I agree with Kristy, we don't need to multiply fractions in daily life. And I'm a math person myself.
Stacey's mom (I need to make a joke about that someday) says Stacey's at New York, but MA calls to say that Stacey's at home.
Kristy says that mothers don't usually lie on their own, which is another false assumption from Kristy. She makes a few more calls and Watson calls asking for a sitter for Karen and Andrew. Kristy realizes that she's trapped and can't escape the presence of Hellspawn any longer.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Karen and Andrew's mom, Lisa (or is it stil Sheila?) broke her ankle and Watson had to deal with insurance forms. That's interesting, a man rushing to his ex-wife's side because no one can care for her at the moment. I feel like Watson cares for everyone around him except his own children.
Kristy says his divorce was amicable but the Little Sister books beg to differ. Kristy meets Karen and Andrew, who remain adorable for the time being. Kristy bonds with the kids. There's a bit of filler:
Take a bite, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, swallow, wipe mouth, start over.
Which is unnecessary. The only reason for repeating words more than thrice in a row is if you're going to fill two pages of your book with the word for comedy (I think it was The Reptile Room by Lemony Snicket?).
Karen asks if Kristy's mom is “Edie” Thomas and Kristy says yes, This leads to a nice and quiet conversation about parents, divorce, and stepparents, slightly ruined by Karen saying “asposed” instead of supposed. The only reason why I think it's ruined is because it reminds me of “ackaminnie”.
Speaking of ackaminnie, Kristy offers to get some ice cream so they could all feel better. After that is an another nice moment of bonding between Kristy and the Brewers. Nothing that snarkable here.
Elizabeth and Kristy talk about the sitting job. Elizabeth says that Andrew has “a big talker for an older sister. He almost doesn’t need to speak.” In the future, he won't at all once Hellspawn completely takes over Karen.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
MA struck a deal with her dad: she can spend her earnings however she wants, as long as she puts half in the bank. That's way better than my deal, where whenever I get money I keep 30% of and the rest goes to my bank account.
Claudia struck a deal with her parents, too: she can keep babysitting and doing parties as long as she does her homework. Stacey shows off her plaid wool pants and avoids the subject when they ask about Saturday. Kristy asks her straight what's really going on, and Stacey blows up. Kristy actually has a smart analysis of what Stacey could've done instead of getting angry if she wanted an out. It's so smart, I'm wondering why the conclusion is simple and obvious.
Claudia and Kristy start fighting and the topic goes from Stacey to childishness and maturity. The image of Kristy playing with dolls is funny. There's a knock on the door and Mimi's (!) behind it. I love Mimi, and this moment is an example of why. The fight goes from yelling to the silent treatment, then the phone rings.
We get a rare occurrence of Mr. Johanssen. From what I've seen in the community, I'm not alone in thinking that the Johanssens were black at first. I thought it was a nice that a series from the 80s/90s had black people without drawing attention to it. Only until I read books with Jessi in it did I realize how AMM really would've handled black people in Stoneybrook.
Kristy's too mad to do the club meeting so she and MA leave early. Later in the day, the Thomas kids get the news: Elizabeth and Watson are engaged! Watson throws a handful on confetti over Elizabeth, which sounds hilarious.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
The Thomas kids meet the Brewer kids. Karen thinks Charlie is 35. I know it's because Karen's a kid, but I can't help but think that Charlie really can pass for 35. He's already growing into his chauffeur looks. Sam makes a joke and DM, Karen, and Andrew go hang out.
They're having fondue and Watson makes a rule that if you drop it, you kiss the person on your right. Watson ends up on Kristy's right. If that was planned, that's creepy as hell. Kristy does end up kissing Watson and writes a note to him saying it's all cool.
Later at the BSC meeting, everyone apologizes and decide to have that party. At that party, Stacey reveals that she has a disease. Kristy jumps to conclusions and thinks it's anorexia. When I first read this at age 10, I knew what anorexia was, though because they didn't explain what anorexia was I think some kids got confused and thought it was similar to diabetes.
Stacey corrects her and says she has diabetes. Claudia gives her an awkward hug and Kristy says it's fine, because her cousin Robin, who will never appear ever again, has diabetes too. She also notes how both too muchand too little sugar is bad for a diabetic. From the way Stacey carries on throughout the series, it's more like any sugar at all is bad for a diabetic.
After that, they bring out the food and Stacey asks Kristy if she likes any boys and Kristy makes a face. I don't think AMM meant to have so much lesbian subtext with Kristy, but I'm reading into that and reading it deeply. Kristy x Abby forever.
I'm at the author's note. BSC was actually supposed to be a four-book mini series. MA is also based on AMM. Seeing MA's behavior in future books, that worries me a little. AMM also mentions that she babysat a lot in college. Either she's lying or she sat for some interesting kids, because the more the books went on, it's like none of the authors have ever met a child.
That was fun! I did run a short poll on the Dreamwidth, but I've decided to do the first ten books in order then go do what everyone voted for later. So coming up next, #2 Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls!
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#2 Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls (Covers - Chapter 5)
Alright! It's time for my second snark. As I've said in my previous post, I'll be doing the first ten books in order before going for what people voted for in my Dreamwidth post.
Claudia was my favorite when I was younger. I'm also an artist, and at the time I was slipping in my academics as well, so Claudia was a bit of a comfort character for me. I grew older and read more BSC books, I realized how much of a dumbshit Claudia is. You see, I started to identify with Janine more, as I'm good at Math and Science, I had to use the computer a lot for studies, and I'm a socially awkward bookworm loner with few friends too. After Claudia and Mean Janine, Claudia gradually shifted from my favorite to my least hated character.
COVERS
Here's the first cover, the one with baby Kirsten Dunst:
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![2,_Claudia_and_the_Phantom_Phone_Calls.png]( "2,_Claudia_and_the_Phantom_Phone_Calls.png")
Claudia's sweater is appropriately quirky, but she looks more exasperated with the phone calls than scared. At least she looks 12.
Here's the second cover by Hodges:
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This time Claudia actually looks like she's wondering who the caller is. Unfortunately the kid Claudia's holding seems to be struck by Hodges' disease and looks like a 35 year-old woman's head on a toddler's body.
Here's the UK cover:
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Claudia uncomfortably reminds me of Junji Ito's Tomie. Maybe that's why Claudia's boyfriends always disappear after one book.
CHAPTER ONE
The book opens with a variation of “It was a dark and stormy night” as Claudia curls up with The Phantom of Pine Hill (which is not that spooky) and some licorice whips. Licorice is a disgusting candy with a very unappetizing color. Then again we have sour tamarind hard candy so who am I to judge?
Claudia's got her eye on brooding poet Trevor Sandbourne. The name Trevor always makes me think of either stoner skater boys or Trevor from GTA V. Claudia mentions her homework deal with her parents, which segues into a paragraph of exposition about the BSC.
I disagree with Claudia on homework. I think it helps you recall the lesson and practice what you've learned. Then again American schools are heavily standardized. I can see how school can make you hate reading. All we have for required reading are two fantasy classics and social commentary on the Spanish occupation of the Philippines, which is fine by me if it means not dealing with that dipshit Holden Caulfield.
I used to think Claudia had dyslexia because of her frequent typos. I was proven wrong, but I feel like AMM just missed a potentially interesting character trait that would add to the differences between her and Janine, plus it makes a good plot.
Book #455, Claudia and the Words
Tagline: Claudia always thought she was just stupid, but turns out, she's just special.
Claudia learns about dyslexia and decides to go see a doctor about her own problems with spelling and words, and sure enough, she's diagnosed with both dyslexia and dyscalculia. Her parents were denying it for so long just because they couldn't handle with the fact that their kid could have a disorder of any kind. That attitude led to Claudia thinking she was just hopelessly stupid. In an interesting plot twist, Janine reveals that she's also dyslexic. She loves math because she can understand numbers, and she loves using big words because she wants to prove that just because she can't spell it doesn't mean she doesn't know what it means. Janine went to the doctor without telling her parents, a moment of rebellion that shocks Claudia. This leads to the Kishis admitting their mistakes and a closer bond between the sisters.
Then again, AMM and the ghosties would probably fuck it up somehow.
Claudia mentions that Janine's IQ , 196, is past the requirement for genius, while her own is also above average. From the way she acts in the later books, I feel like it went a whole lot lower. Because of her high IQ and Janine, everyone expects her to be just as amazing. Because of that, Claudia feels unmotivated to do well since she can never live up to Janine. This is a way better reason than the later books' “Claudia just doesn't give a crap”.
Claudia complains about the rant that Janine went on about people regulating the temperature around them instead regulating their own, when it's easier to just put on a sweater than install a heater. It's actually really interesting. I think I'll steal it for my STEM discussions in school.
Another Janine rant and Claudia goes over her homework with Mimi (!). Have I mentioned I love Mimi? She's so sweet and is the only truly good parental figure in the BSC-verse. Claudia and the Sad Goodbye managed to wrench tears out of my normally apathetic soul.
Only Mimi knows about her Nancy Drew obsession. The rest of her family wants her to read something more stimulating. I'm surprised they aren't content with her reading anything at all. Mimi brings up the topic of Halloween and Claudia thinks she's too old to go trick-or-treating. Hey, whoa. Trick-or-treating isn't really a thing in the Philippines, but in America, I'm pretty sure there is no real age limit when it comes to trick-or-treating. Plus, you're still twelve! Enjoy this while you can!
Claudia decides to hand out candy with Mimi and gets excited about dressing up, which leads to an outfit description! I've drawn it here:
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Claudia wants to be a Smurf. Don't. I've seen some pretty disturbing attempts at a Smurf costume. Also, I've noticed that she didn't say which Smurf. I think while Painter Smurf is what she would go for, from her “I'm not conceited, it's true” attitude later in the books, she'd probably be Pretentious Smurf. I scrolled through a long list of Smurf names to find that Smurf. Mary Anne would totally be Passive-Aggressive Smurf.
Claudia decides to work on her portrait of Mimi. I remember when Claudia kept the painting as a memory of Mimi and I get a pang of sadness. Claudia asks Mimi about life in Japan. Mimi mentions that she and her sister were good friends. Claudia asks why she and Janine aren't friends too. Mimi gives her advice that Claudia will forget for the rest of the series: “Being friends takes work. To be a good friend you must spend time with someone. You must talk to her and try to understand her.”
Claudia replies that Janine is impossible to talk to and she never has time for her. Mimi counters by asking if she has time for Janine, and Claudia admits, “Not very often.” Mimi says one day they'll be friends. It's sad that Mimi can never witness that day.
The portrait is finished and Claudia thinks back to brooding poet Trevor. From the way Claud describes him, I can only picture some emo boy who writes pretentious poetry inspired by Edgar Allan Poe. Maybe if the BSC managed to run til the late 90s...
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(I hate myself for drawing this)
(I hate myself for drawing this)
The phone rings and Claudia hopes it's Trevor. Close enough. It's her female love interest, Stacey McGill, who's thinking of Sam. Stacey and Claudia sigh and swoon over Emo Boy and Math Geek Who I Now Headcanon As Janine's Math Nerd Friend From The First Book. Stacey asks if any calls for the BSC came in, foreshadowing how any conversation between the girls will be about their charges and only their charges. Stacey and Claudia decide to hang out with the other girls on Saturday.
CHAPTER TWO
They get together and just sit on the lawn because they can't do anything. Ah, days before the internet. Being a 2000s kid, I have never lived in those days. If this was set in modern day they could've been watching shitty videos on Youtube.
Kristy suggests looking at antique toys and Claudia and Stacey roll their eyes. A) Rude, and B) antique toys could potentially be cool! Didn't you read Clue in the Old Album, Claudia? The dolls described in that book almost made me want to go collecting.
MA suggests going to some cookie place, but remembers Stacey and drops it. Diabetics can still have sugar, AMM. Just not too much. Claudia suggests renting a movie for her VCR. Ah, days before Netflix. Sadly, the VCR is broken. So Claudia decides to talk about that sweet piece of ass, goth prince Trevor Sandbourne.
Kristy actually has a class with Trevor, who sits next to Alan Gray. Hey, it's the first recurring boy in the BSC-verse! Wasn't he built up to be someone's love interest before he went from “class clown” to “dickhead”?
They reminisce about the time Kristy pranked him by having Alan steal a fake lunch filled with dead spiders and mud pies. Now Alan just keeps messing with Kristy because he wants to protect his reputation. This segues back to Trevor and Claudia daydreams about him. I assume she's thinking, “He wears eyeliner, and I do too! We have so much in common!”
Her reverie is broken by a yell of “Aughhh!” MA found something in the paper. “Angry Pig Goes Hog Wild” and “Depressed Truck Drives Self Crazy” are what Kristy and Stacey see first. Is this what passes for news in Stoneybrook? Wait, what if both events are secretly related?
The pig ran out into the street onto the path of an incoming truck. There was fatal collision that killed both. It was later found that the driver, Paul Burton, was suicidal, and it is assumed that the pig was the same. Police suspect that this was a planned suicide pact between the two. More as it develops.
What MA screamed at was a headline reading, “Phantom Caller On Rampage In Mercer”. Does Stoneybrook really have no news at all that they report stories from a different neighborhood, twenty miles away?
There's a thief on the loose whose M.O. is to make calls to houses before he robs them. That's not very smart. I'm pretty sure at least someone who knows his M.O. would report him and the police would trace the call.
Stacey acts like it's no big deal because she's from New York and she's seen worse. I get it, New York is the best place in the world and nothing can ever compare to the wonders of New York. Not even the crime.
MA freaks out because apparently sometimes the thief steals from the houses while people are still in it, which is also dumb. Claudia remembers that someone called the Marshalls' twice during her sitting job, and Kristy holds an emergency BSC meeting.
CHAPTER THREE
It opens with Kristy moaning. How are they supposed to babysit when a burglar with a horrible and stupid M.O. is on the loose in a neighborhood twenty miles away? Stacey points this out to reassure everyone. She continues on a string of common sense that I nod at until she suggests a secret code over the phone.
If the burglar's in the house and threatening the babysitter with a kitchen knife, the girl is supposed to call another member and say “Have you seen my red ribbon?” This signals the receiver to call the police. Y'know, instead of calling the police directly. I don't think the burglar really cares who you're calling while he's stabbing you. The police definitely would once they've found the bodies. Bam! You're a witness now. Have fun in court.
Wait, there's more: what if the burglar is listening in through an extension? Why would a burglar want to listen in on a preteen girl's call in the first place? When a burglar sees a babysitter on the phone, he wouldn't instantly think “Oh shit! I'd better listen in and make sure she's not talking to the cops.” He'd think “Now's my chance to escape! Girls take forever on the phone!”
Claudia mentions that it happened in a horror movie called “The Night of the Weird”, which is one of the most generic-ass horror movie names I have ever heard of. What happens if the girls don't know where the caller is? They remember the record book, which segues into a paragraph of exposition about how the BSC works.
Then they move on and plan burglar alarms. MA suggests stacking tin cans in front of a door or window so you could hear the burglar. Where the cans will come from, we'll never know. I don't think a parent would appreciate you rooting through the trash and stacking garbage next to every window because of a burglar TWENTY MILES AWAY.
Kristy suggests a smell alert where you put garbage outside the house where the burglar can step on it, so you smell him before you see him. Claudia gets unnecessarily politically correct by saying that the burglar could be a woman too. I don't see what this has to do with burglars stepping in trash. Is Kristy saying that because the burglar's a dude, he'll see the trash and go “Oh goody!” and just start stomping on that sweet compost?
They decide on the answer to the code question being “No, the blue one”. That...doesn't sound right to me. “Have you found my red ribbon?” “No, the blue one.” The nitpicky English student in me wants to add an “only” in between “No” and “blue”.
If the sitter is sure the burglar is around, she'll reply “Now I'm in for it”, and if not, she says “That's okay”. They practice the code and everyone can't do it right. Y'know, this would all be solved if you just, I don't know, drop the code and call 911 and say “THERE'S A BURGLAR IN THE HOUSE AND HE'S THREATENING ME WITH A STEAK KNIFE!”
And the kicker? They decide to not tell the adults. Girls, I understand not worrying your parents. But if a burglar could potentially harm you and you don't feel safe, tell your fucking parents. I can't believe the Stoneybrook policy of “don't tell adults because they are useless” existed so early in the series.
CHAPTER FOUR
Trevor's leather wrapped ass has been sighted by Claudia Kishi. She attempts to go in for the kill but ends up crashing into Alan Gray. Claudia's hair seems to be afflicted with rat king. Alan catches on to it and taunts Claud about her crush. I miss class clown Alan.
Claud starts daydreaming about Trevor. I wonder why Claud thinks Trevor would like her if she doesn't understand poetry and can't even spell the word. The daydream's about her losing her virginity to Trevor in a closet they found in a maze during a school trip.
The daydream is broken because Claudia needs to pass her homework. Apparently she's confusing whole numbers and even numbers. Okay, that was a problem for me too, but that was when I was eight. Claudia's old enough to know better. See how much better Claudia would've been had she had dyscalculia? Nah, that would be an insult to people who do have it.
Claudia's also reading a poem called The Pond and she has to find a deeper meaning behind it. I never really liked those assignments. When my class had to do it in 9th grade, it took our whole group until the day before the due date to come up with something, and we were just paraphrasing the lines anyway. Claudia also can't spell October. I wonder why she was only sent back to 7th grade later on when she should've clearly been sent back to daycare.
It's lunch time, and Claudia would've snuck into the line next to Stacey had it not been for Alex Kurtzman, this kid who goes to school in a suit and tie with a briefcase for a bag. He sounds interesting. I wish he was in more books.
Book #811, Kristy vs. Kurtzman
Tagline: Who do you vote for?
Kristy's running for the SMS student elections. It seems that she's got this in the bag, since she already managed to brainwash the town of Stoneybrook. However, Alex Kurtzman comes back to Stoneybrook after a summer internship and is running too! Alex has a briefcase and a suit and tie, plus professional experience managing many people his age! It's up to Kristy to spike his water cooler with BSC Kool-aid before it's too late!
A rare sighting of the non-BSC friends known as the Shillaber twins, who will be killed off once Kristy gets fully possessed by the spirit of the BSCult. Apparently bringing lunch from home is babyish. Claudia, what would you eat: a sandwich you made at home out of what you have in the fridge, or a sandwich from the school made out of mystery meat and heavily processed bread?
We get a parade of characters, starting with Dorianne Wallingford, Emily Bernstein, Howie Johnson, Pete “Bra-Strap” Black, and Rick Chow. Can I just bring up something weird? Stoneybrook is supposedly racist to whoever isn't white, but they don't seem to have much problem with East Asians, except that one family in the racism book. So Stoneybrook can have Rick Chow and Claudia Kishi but they can't handle Jessi Ramsey? I knew Jessi was just exaggerating things and playing victim!
Dori's grandparents, Nana and Cramps (...Cramps?) were robbed the night before by...the Phantom Caller! For some reason Dori gives a dramatic pause. The Caller's at New Hope (*Star Wars theme blares*) and Claudia is reassured. The boys launch food at Emily's sweater and the girls go off to clean it up. The girls know about Claudia's crush on Trevor and Claudia instantly gets bitchy because she thinks Kristy told everyone. Kristy didn't, and no one knows who. Maybe it's just a painfully obvious crush. But no, this is a mystery book so everything has to be a mystery.
The principal announces that it's time for the Halloween Hop and Claudia thinks of Trevor and his tight leather pants. She sighs. Trevor doesn't even know she's alive. I think he'd notice the girl who follows him to class while staring at his ass, Claud.
CHAPTER FIVE
Hi-hi! It's a babysitting chapter about Jamie Newton. Mrs. Newton compliments Claudia's teddy bear barettes (soooo sophisticated) and Mrs. Newton says she'll get a pair...for the baby. HA! Mrs. Newton says she's hoping it's a G-I-R-L. Claudia doesn't know what that spells, so she just smiles and nods.
Claudia's working on her still life painting of an egg, a checkered napkin, a wooden spoon, and a pitcher. For some reason Mrs. Newton thinks the egg is the hardest part. Ma'am, drawing an egg is just doing an oval with only three colors (main color, shadow, highlight). That is literally the opposite of the hardest part.
Mrs. Newton leaves and Claudia is still nervous about the Caller. TWENTY MILES AWAY, CLAUDIA. While Claudia and Jamie play in the backyard, a light goes on in the house. Then the phone rings. Jamie thinks it's his dad. Silly Jamie, don't you know fathers in Stoneybrook are almost nonexistent? They hear noises and go to see who's behind it. They peek through the fence and an eye peeks through the same hole.
AAAAAAAAGGHH! They scream. Turns out, it was just Kristy leaving a casserole at the Newton's. Wait, it's Kristy. AAAAAAAAGGHH!
Kristy explains the light and the noises, but not the phone. Jamie still thinks it's his dad. Jamie, all fathers in Stoneybrook are off in Stamford all working for the same law firm. I wouldn't count on that.
I'll leave it off here. Thanks for reading my snarks!
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#2 Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls (Chapter Six - Chapter Fifteen)
Let's finish this.
She thinks of using the code, which is still a stupid plan. Claudia actually suggests watching TV, something that will disappear in future books as Kristy's Kool-aid seeps into the townspeople's bloodstreams. Nina says no because The Muppet Show is over. Remember the original Kermit concept for Wilkins' Coffee?
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I'm out. Call the cops and don't drink the Kool-aid.
CHAPTER SIX
Claudia and Janine are doing homework. There's a thunderstorm outside, and Claudia and Janine start reminiscing about how they used to hide under their parents' blankets. Janine stabs the nice moment by mentioning psychology and Claudia kills it by telling Janine to shut up. Nooo! You two were actually starting to get along!
Claudia starts working on the still-life and says it's hard to figure out what shape the shadow of an egg is. ...An egg casts an oval-shaped shadow. Duh. If she was trying to talk about the angle of the shadow then that'd make sense, but Claud. Eggs are round. Therefore the shadow is also round. Is Claudia one of those fabled children who put the square block in the circle hole?
The police are currently in a car chase with the Caller in New Jersey. Aw, c'mon dude, people already hate New Jersey! Go to New York or something and stop everyone's weird glorification of it.
It's time for Claud's sitting job with the Marshall kids. I don't remember the Marshall kids character trait. Maybe their lack of one is their character trait. Also, I've never noticed before, but the names of these kids are a little...outdated. I'm wondering why the only Jenny in the BSC verse is Jenny Prezzioso (ew, ew, ew!)
So turns out the guy the police were chasing wasn't the Caller. And wouldn't you know it, the phone rings right after the report! Claudia picks it up and gets nothing but silence.
She thinks of using the code, which is still a stupid plan. Claudia actually suggests watching TV, something that will disappear in future books as Kristy's Kool-aid seeps into the townspeople's bloodstreams. Nina says no because The Muppet Show is over. Remember the original Kermit concept for Wilkins' Coffee?
Because of the news, Claudia starts getting paranoid. The phone rings and it's Stacey. They chat a bit about Trevor and piercings, but Claudia hears a sound. Claudia and Stacey panic and mess up the code. This is why you shouldn't have a code in the first place! You're gonna fuck up saying the code anyway. At least make it just a word, like “banana” or “fremdschämen”.
The sounds were coming from the Marshalls, who just forgot their keys. Claudia opens the door and Mrs. Marshall calls her husband Mr. Marshall, which is weird. Could AMM not even take a few moments to think of a first name for Mr. Marshall? Like Doug or Greg or anything, as long as Mrs. Marshall doesn't have to call her husband Mister!
CHAPTER SEVEN
It's a notebook entry from Kristy. As I'm reading an e-book, I can't see her handwriting. I remember it being worse than ten year-old me's, though. Kristy being spooked out makes more sense because she's sitting in her real live millionaire stepfather's house. Wait. Doesn't that mean... OH NO.
Hopefully Hellspawn hasn't consumed Karen yet in this book. Watson's over doing Parent's Night at Karen's school. Wait, aren't the students usually around during Parent's Night? Maybe Parent's Night is just a euphemism for “school orgy”. Oh dammit she mentioned Morbidda Destiny. Apparently Morbidda Destiny cast a spell on Karen and now she has more freckles. She know because Mrs. Porter squinted at her and raised one hand. Dammit, Karen.
Every moment spent with you is another moment I have to remind myself that slapping a child isn't right. Andrew tried to fix them three bowls of peppermint ice cream, which sounds like a really bland ice cream flavor. Ice cream's already cold, so what's the point of peppermint flavor? Andrew also let Boo-boo out. Dammit, Andrew. Slapping children isn't right, slapping children isn't right...
Watson acts like an enabler to an addict and bought Karen a book called The Witch Next Door. Dammit, Watson. Slapping a grown man is okay, right? Kristy decides to read her a Ramona Quimby book. I remember that Beezus and Ramona movie that came out with Selena Gomez in it. Never watched it.
Mary Anne calls and is still scared of Mrs. Porter. I'd understand if it was because Mrs. Porter looks aggressive, but it's because MA bought Karen's shit and thinks Morbidda Destiny is real. Apparently, MA's a bit gullible and she believed some dumb shit that her camp mates told her in one book. The difference is Karen's SIX. She's half your age MA!
When the books go from first-person to kind-of-third-person, I always wonder how the main girl knows all the little details of the other girl's “adventure”. How the hell did Claudia know that Kristy “drew her hand back, afraid” while she was answering the phone? Kristy starts freaking out when sounds and shadows pass around her, but it's just Mrs. Porter and Boo-boo. Looks like Kristy bought some of Karen's shit too, probably with what's left of her intelligence, and thinks Mrs. Porter's gonna go all Morbidda Destiny on her.
Y'know, I think that AMM was just planning to write a book on a witch called Morbidda Destiny, but the BSC books interfered with that. She liked the name so much that she put it as much as she can in her books. Unfortunately, that meant lots of chapters with Hellspawn in them.
Mrs. Porter's mad because Boo-boo was eating a mouse on her porch, so she came to bring both Boo-boo and the remains of the mouse. Kristy decides she's not really a witch, not because it was said by a six year-old, but because if she was a real witch, then she'd have kept the remains for spells.
Dammit Kristy.
CHAPTER EIGHT
It's Stacey's sitting job for Charlotte Johanssen, who I thought was black for two years of my life. There's a rare sighting of Mr. Johanssen, and he also calls his wife Dr. Johanssen. Ann. It only takes a few minutes to think of a name for a minor character. Her name is Laura Johanssen. That one took me 40 seconds.
He leaves and a thunderstorm kicks in. The girls bond over hiding from thunder, and Stacey says they should put on the TV. I live in the Philippines, a magnet for typhoons and rain. The TV is the last thing we would turn on at that point, especially since according to the writing, the thunder came BEFORE the lightning. At that point you should be praying that you don't get fried.
Stacey says they should put on MTV. Ah, days when MTV still had music on it. Which reminds me, why aren't there more references to music in BSC books? It's always shows or movies from the 50s but never music. They decide to watch a horror show but the power conks out in the middle of an episode. The girls huddle together and freak out at everything. They decide to go get some candles and they keep hearing noises. Any sense of tension or fear is ruined by the constant sound effects. Yes, AMM, I know the floorboards are creaking. I don't need a “creak, creak, creak” every other line.
Turns out the sound was just the Johanssens' schnauzer, Carrot, who I have never seen outside of this book. The phone didn't ring at all during Stacey's job.
CHAPTER NINE
It's MA's sitting job for David Michael. Here, we have our first mention of I Love Lucy in BSC, except it's not described as everyone's favorite show yet. MA freaks out and starts setting up traps all over the Thomas house. Look, close or not, don't use the Thomases' stuff for traps that may or may not be needed. The only highlight is AMM's poor attempt at making up a fake metal band: MA puts on “Poundin' Down the Walls” by The Slime Kings. Unless that's just Sam's garage band mixtape, I doubt that that title and that band name could ever go far enough to have an album.
Like the other jobs, weird sounds and shadows show up and the traps go off, but it's just Louie. We also get our first apperance of allergy accent when DM calls MA “Bary Add”. MA realizes that she's pretty stupid for using a metal song for an alarm so she turns it off and gets DM half an aspirin. The rest of the Thomas family comes home to see a pile of their cookware and a tape deck next to the doors. They think it's funny for some reason. Kristy walks MA home.
CHAPTER TEN
Alan Gray doesn't know how to deal with feelings yet, so he's just been acting like a dick to Kristy so they could go away. Kristy says that Sam took a punk girl named Tamara to the movies. She calls the girl a “what” because her hair is dyed and her gloves are fingerless. She also claims that Sam only went out with her to shake up their mom. Tamara doesn't deserve this shit.
Stacey takes it really badly, because after a half-hour of playing Candy Land, she and Sam were ready to walk down the aisle together. It'd be understandable if she was just upset, but she cries about it. Stacey, you only spent a half-hour with Sam. Give it time first! Not every romance is gonna be like a movie where you go on your first date and have sex on the same night.
Apparently MA can't stand it when others are upset. That's because their tears are taking attention away from her tears. A Mr. Willis calls and Claudia takes the job without thinking. Then the subject goes back to Trevor Sandbourne. Claudia's still sad because Trevor still doesn't know her name, so there's no way he's asking her to go to the dance.
The girls suggest Claudia ask him but she says “This isn't the Sadie Hawkins dance!” And so what if it's not? Girls asking guys is perfectly normal no matter what dance! I always wondered why it was customary for the boy to ask the girl in American dances back then, because boys are usually less confident and a bit more dense when it comes to romantic attraction. Girls meanwhile are the ones who, if they see a guy they like, they do everything in their power to impress said guy, while said guy stands there and has no idea what's happening.
The subject changes from Trevor to babies. Thankfully, none of them show signs of the BSCult yet. No one talks about what do to when the baby arrives and just talk about when they were babies themselves. Claudia's still hoping Trevor's going to ask her. Claud, do yourself a favor and ask him. It'll help to end this book early.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Claudia's doing homework with Mimi (!) again. She grumbles because the Math teacher gave her and only her extra work. Claud, your mailbox gets filled with letters from the school every day. You should know why.
In the middle of times tables, the doorbell rings and a Mr. and Mrs. Goldman who never appear again are behind the door. Look! Rioko (not a real Japanese name, even though Ryoko is) just called them Eileen and Arnold! AMM couldn't make up a name for Dr. Johanssen but she could make some up for two people who will never return again?
The Goldmans seem to have been robbed by the Phantom Caller, and they live next door to Claudia. Now you girls are allowed to freak out. It's not the real Caller, just some copycat, but that's still reason for concern. Mary Anne gets banned from babysitting because Richard's a Dick.
Claudia has another conversation with Mimi. She gives more great advice: “You know, my Claudia, that in order for things to change, you must change them. You will grow to be an old woman like me, if you wait for others to change things that do not please you.” All Claudia says in response is that when she does become old, she wants to be just like Mimi. Her personality and the time warp beg to differ.
Claudia's ready to say hi to Trevor for the first time. Instead she ends up dumping her Jell-O on Trevor's lap. Trevor and Claudia just stare at each other until Claudia runs away in embarrassment. Little did she know, Trevor was relieved, because it helped cover up his boner.
Stacey's going to the Hop with Pete Black while Kristy, MA, and now Claudia are going to just sit around at home. Have these girls heard of going stag? Claudia mentions that Dori and Emily are going to the dance too. She doesn't say who with, so I'll assume they went with each other.
The club meets up to fix the babysitting schedule and MA thinks she shouldn't be in the club anymore, what with Richard's strict rules. Before MA can escape the BSCult's clutches, they manage to convince her to stay with them. No, MA, you were so close! If Kristy offers you Kool-aid, DON'T DRINK IT!
CHAPTER TWELVE
Jamie's cousins are back. Wait, Mrs. Newton just called her husband Roger! Why the inconsistency, AMM? The Newtons and the Feldmans leave for a cocktail party. After the BSCult moment earlier, Kristy's beginning to grow in her role as cult leader, as the first thing she does is tell everyone what they can't do and if they don't comply with her rules, she'll hurt them. Cult jokes aside, if a babysitter threatened to beat up my kid, I'd never ask for their services again.
Someone calls the house three times. Later, the girls spy a shadow prowling near the property, so they call the cops.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
The police caught the shadow and it turns out to be...Alan Gray! And he would've gotten away with, if it wasn't for those pesky babysitters!
Alan's been stealing the notebook from Kristy's desk and looking up the numbers and addresses. Kristy assumes it's to mess with her, but again, it turns out he just wanted to ask Kristy out and because he's an awkward preteen boy, he couldn't spit it out. I already said this in the previous part: Boys don't know how to deal with feelings, especially twelve year-olds.
Kristy handles it well and accepts.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
These last few chapters weren't very snarkable. I can't even make a book idea or a funny drawing out of them.
Claudia asks Kristy why she accepted Alan's offer. Kristy says it proves what her mom said, that if someone likes you, they pick on you, and admits that Alan's cute. This makes Claudia feel worse about the dance and Trevor. Claudia, if a guy likes you, it's either childish teasing, or awkward stupidity. Guess which one Trevor falls on.
Claudia gets home and Janine says she won't tell their parents about the police incident. Claudia says she snuck into the living room and Janine says it's sneaked. Google tells me it's both. Janine tells Claudia she's proud to be her sister, and Claudia asks why Janine and her don't talk like that more. Janine says “Because you usually tell me to shut up or go away or mind my own business.” If only Claudia would remember that more.
Janine also hides candy in her room, apparently. This small bit of extra characterization will be forgotten in later books like almost every extra bit that doesn't adhere to their main character trait.
Claudia realizes that she has no idea who was calling her. She suspects it's Rick Chow or Howie Johnson. It's pretty obvious who it really is by now.
Sure enough, Trevor tells her that he likes her, and he even wrote a poem about them. Alan found it and teased him about it. After Alan got caught by the cops, he decided to tell Trevor to man up and just talk to Claudia or else he'll get arrested. And so he did. Wow, these last chapters are boring.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Claudia and Stacey dress like hobos for the Hop. They all have fun and stuff and blah blah blah this is boring as hell.
Claudia got eighty-six on the Math test. A B! In a later book, when Claudia gets an eighty-one, her family acts like she failed again. However, this is an early book, so instead her family celebrates and Janine even gives her a hug. Bonding!
Because the Phantom's M.O. is stupid, he gets arrested. The BSC celebrates.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
AMM apparently did that phone code thing IRL with her friend Beth. Thing is, there wasn't any criminal on the loose, they just liked scaring each other. For some reason AMM thought this would work if there was an actual criminal on the loose.
I'm out. Call the cops and don't drink the Kool-aid.
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#3 The Truth About Stacey (Covers - Chapter 5)
This book is actually one of the few books I was able to read in my school library. My library had a lot of Stacey books for some reason. I also made up a ranking of each babysitter last night, from kinda liked to most hated:
1. Abby (She's a BSC snarker too, and she hasn't drank the Kool-aid yet)
2. Claudia (Again, she used to be my comfort character)
3. Stacey (The number of Stacey books in the library helped this)
4. Mallory (I have a thing for characters who get dumped on)
5. Jessi (She was boring but at least she wasn't that annoying)
6. Kristy (She is the BSCult leader)
7. Mary Anne (“Sensitive” is just a synonym for passive-aggressive manipulative bitch)
8. Dawn (“Junk food is gross and California is so much better—” I GET IT, DAWN)
Also, my uncle has diabetes, which will totally affect my judgement of Stacey's books. Let's move on to #3, The Truth About Stacey.
COVERS
Here's the first cover by Dale Dyer:
Charlotte and Stacey actually look like children, but what the hell is Stacey wearing? Shades and an unbuttoned patterned shirt over a sweater? Pink and green can look nice together but the shades of color chosen don't look very good.
Here's the second cover by Hodges Soileau:
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Stacey looks about 25. I think the look on her face is supposed to be wistfulness, but it looks more tired to me. At least Charlotte still looks like a child.
Here's the UK cover:
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It's not as bad as the other UK covers, but Stacey's face and expression still look off.
AMM thanks a Dr. Claudia Werner for help on diabetes. I like to think that AMM was deliberately looking for a doctor with a fitting name.
CHAPTER ONE
Here's what was missing from the previous book: The BSC planning what to do when a baby is born! Why that's any of their business, I have no idea! My personal theory is that Kristy uses the BSC to indoctrinate the children into the Cult's beliefs. However, the BSCult spirit hasn't fully possessed Kristy yet, so she's just thinking of Jamie Newton.
It segues into a paragraph of exposition about the BSC, which segues into a paragraph of exposition about New York, which segues into a paragraph of exposition about Stoneybrook, which segues into a final paragraph of exposition about the girls. That's a lot of exposition, but at least it isn't as bad as the infamous Chapter Twos.
The girls start talking about what time they were born and MA pulls the “My mom is dead!” card by saying she doesn't know when she was born. MA knows that when she pulls that, she can get free support and sympathy.
Mimi (!) comes to check on the girls, and she knows when MA was born. MA curses under her breath, as the revelation takes away the free sympathy, but because it came from Mimi, she just smiles. Mimi turns to leave but bumps into Janine, who seems frantic.
After another “Janine has different interests so she's boring!” rant, Janine shows the girls a flier for the Baby-Sitters Agency! Gasp! Another babysitting business? In Stoneybrook? OH NO! It's not like two of those can co-exist or something! This means war, I tell you! WAR!
The BSCult spirit realizes how many children it wouldn't be able to induct, so it possesses the club, making the girls furious. Mimi and Janine leave, and the girls sit in the room, stewing in anger. HOW DARE SOMEONE ELSE MAKE A BUSINESS JUST LIKE THEIRS! HOW DARE!
MA puts on her reading glasses, which show up in this book and never again. I wonder if Mallory would've felt better about her glasses had this detail stayed in the books.
Kristy groans that they're dead. These sitters are older and can stay out late more! The girls conveniently forget that most of the children are more emotionally attached to them, therefore they would still get business from their regulars. But no! These girls are THIRTEEN! A whole year older, therefore much more mature! Haven't you seen the difference between 11 year-old Mallory and the 10 year-old triplets? They can't even clean up their own milk! Claudia can't spell and Liz and Michelle can smoke! SO MUCH OLDER!
Claudia snots about Liz and Michelle. They have smart mouths and sass the teachers, which I misread as “ass” the first time. But wait! They also hate school (like you, Claudia?) and hang out at the mall! Like the girls were planning to in the previous book! Wait, what? No no, you see, the BSC are different from those snotty, sassy 13 year-olds!
CHAPTER TWO
Kristy calls the Agency and says she's 7th grader Candy Kane and that she need a sitter for her brother, Harry Kane, as she's going on a date with a football playing sophomore named Winston Churchill. I can't believe Liz fell for that, despite being a superior and mature 13 year-old. Liz also asked her who the date was with, which is kind of unprofessional but at least not too bad.
The Agency works like this: Liz and Michelle take the calls and find a sitter for the caller, which is not a bad idea. Liz calls back and offers three sitters, one of which is a boy: two thirteen year-olds and one fifteen year-old. We never hear of these babysitters existing in Stoneybrook ever again, so I'll assume Kristy had these three killed after the book ended.
The club is dismissed and Stacey runs home, which segues into a long exposition dump about her diabetes. It's actually needed here, as this is the first book to detail how Stacey found out and got diagnosed.
It started with a bunch of embarrassing incidents, involving fainting into her soup and pissing her pants at a sleepover. Stacey was diagnosed with diabetes by a psychologist, which is odd. Her parents were in so much denial that they kept trying to find treatments and cures and didn't tell anyone that Stacey had diabetes. Stacey ended up thinking she should hide it too, so everyone at school thought she was a freak, even her former best friend, Laine Cummings (hehe, Cummings).
I really hate those types of parents who deny that their child has an illness or disorder. Unless it's life-threatening, the parents insist their child's just a “little sick now and then” or “just having normal kid problems” or some shit. It's as if it's extremely embarrassing to the parent that their child has a disorder. Their main thought, instead of being “Is my child doing okay? How are they feeling? I should make sure they feel normal,”, is “What will the others say about me? They'll think I'm a bad parent!” It's disgusting.
CHAPTER THREE
Stacey turns her thoughts towards boys, specifically two: Sam Thomas and Pete Black. Stacey hasn't seen Sam as often as she thought she would, and Pete Black is only her sort-of boyfriend. Ah, normal preteen girl behavior. Also, Pete Black is my favorite non-BSC and non-charge side character.
Stacey comes home and her mom immediately freaks out because she's not hungry. It's the first instance of AMM inserting real people as characters, however this character won't be a mainstay unlike the Perkins girls. This instance is Dr. Werner, the same on from the acknowledgement. Like the Perkins girls, she gets one of those moments where characters go “Isn't this IRL person insert amazing?”
Stacey's parents are planning to bring her to New York to meet a doctor her Uncle Eric saw on TV. Stacey groans. This is another aspect of those disgusting parents I hate: when they try to look for treatments or even a cure for their children, just so that the kids can be more “normal” and the parents can be saved from the ire and criticism of their peers. (By the way, I have diabetic children and children with mental illnesses in mind when I talk about these parents.)
Her parents pull the “We do this because we love you and know what's best for you” card and Stacey is shut up. Kristy calls to announce their emergency meeting for the next day. At the meeting, Kristy comes up with ideas for how to improve services. She lists these:
1. Housework with no extra charge (haha, fuck no)
2. Special deals to regulars (You're already practically raising the kids, no need for deals)
3. Kid Kits (okay this one is actually good)
4. Lower rates (haha, fuck no)
5. Offering jobs to their older siblings (actually pretty good)
I've always wondered how big Kid Kits were. I always imagined a metal lunch box for some reason. Nowadays, I picture one of those huge printer paper boxes. But if Kits really were that big, I wonder how these girls carried it on their bikes. About that last one, everyone agrees until Kristy mentions Janine. Claudia forgets everything Mimi told her in the previous book and blows up.
Also, I've always wondered, why don't the older siblings ever interact, or even mention each other? They're close enough in age, plus they've also been living in the same area for all their lives. I mean, if Kristy and MA could be friends with Claudia but not close friends, why haven't we heard any stories of Charlie, Janine, and Sam hanging out when they were little kids too?
I like to think the three used to hang out when they were 6 or 7 and they gradually stopped being friends once Janine moved up to middle school at age 8 or 9. Janine would totally tell Charlie science stuff that he could use to prank Sam with.
Another thing, why don't we ever hear what Charlie does while the BSC meeting is going on when he starts being the chauffeur? Does he just jack off in the pimp wagon while waiting? Does he really spend some alone time with Janine in the next room? More G-rated, does he ever have awkward conversations with Janine?
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Again, I like to think that Janine's telling Charlie what college is like and helping him write letters to universities.
Sorry about that tangent, I just needed a little cool-off after the disgusting parents rant I went on earlier. Also this community has turned me into a Charlie/Janine shipper. The girls decide on making Kid Kits, giving deals, and saving the siblings thing as a last resort.
CHAPTER FOUR
Stacey's sitting for Charlotte Johanssen and Dr. Johanssen asks her about her blood sugar, which is kind of weird, but I guess since she's a doctor it's okay. ...What kind of doctor is she anyway? I like to think the reason why we're never told is because she's an OB/GYN.
CharJo wants to know what's in the Kid Kit. Because this was made by Stacey, it has A Cricket in Times Square in it. Because she's from NEW YORK. I wonder if AMM is aware that New York isn't just the city. What part of NYC is Stacey from anyway? Probably Manhattan. *checks* Yep. I'd love it if a movie set in New York took place somewhere other than NYC, or a movie set in NYC taking place somewhere other than Manhattan, like how Spider-man: Homecoming was in Queens.
Stacey takes CharJo on a walk without telling either of her parents (STOP BRINGING KIDS TO RANDOM PLACES WITHOUT ASKING!) and CharJo says she doesn't have any friends. She won't say why and sticks her thumb in her mouth. I'm pretty sure seven year-old shouldn't be doing that, unless the Johanssens are such bad parents that CharJo's still sucking her thumb.
They go to a candy store and CharJo wants some. Stacey says they shouldn't, since it's close to dinner. Why the hell did you bring her there then? She's seven, of course she'll ask for a sweet. They leave and CharJo notices some of her classmates.
Her classmates call her “Char-Char” like it's an insult and not a cute nickname and chant “Teacher's pet” at her. CharJo leaves in tears and Stacey consoles her. They bump into Liz Lewis, advertising the BSA with balloons. She mistakes CharJo for Stacey's sister (aww) and hands her a balloon. Stacey feels the breeze of the BSCult spirit rush past her and she starts thinking of what to do.
CHAPTER FIVE
The BSCult spirit continues to possess the club, especially Kristy, who gets angry enough to tell Liz to her face that she's the BSA's mortal enemy and number one rival. Liz has no idea why the hell this chick is taking having another babysitting service in town so seriously and tells Kristy to piss off, further angering both Kristy and the spirit. By the end of this book, I'm pretty sure Kristy contacted the spirit directly and started working alongside it. Wait, did I go this far without making a book idea about it?
Book #666, The BSCult Spirit and Kristy
Tagline: Don't drink the water!
Kristy's reminiscing. A few day after forming the BSC, she discovers that the BSC is actually an acronym for a cult that her ancestors led. She decides to contact the spirit that the cult worshipped and instead of fighting for freedom from the cursed acronym, Kristy forms an alliance with the spirit. She makes a concoction from an old cult book that she puts in the water supply to weaken the minds of the Stoneybrookites. Back in present day, Kristy tells all the BSC members what she's done. Because of prolonged exposure to the spirit, everyone's cool with it. First Stoneybrook, then the world!
If I had time, I'd totally write a fanfic about that.
Kristy and Stacey are sitting for Jamie because Lucy decided to pop out early. They decide to throw him a Big Brother Party and invite CharJo and three Pikes, Silly-Billy-Goo-Goo, Vomit Dispenser, and the first appearance of fugly-with-a-capital-fuck herself, Mallory “Spaz Girl” Pike. And I know I just said this, but STOP BRINGING KIDS EVERYWHERE WITHOUT ASKING. They start working on decorations and food.
An “Aughh!” cuts into the air as Kristy gets the call from the Newtons. It's a girl named Lucy Jane! Welcome to the BSCult—I mean, welcome to the world! Jamie gets sad because that means he wouldn't be sat by Kristy anymore. Stacey asks why and Jamie says his mom wants an older sitter so the sitter can take care of the baby too.
Stacey feels like a cold weight was dropped on her chest. Stacey, the BSC is made up of 12 year-olds. You guys don't know how to take care of babies! Hell, three of you will soon act like babies are breathing dolls to dress up. Stacey thinks Mrs. Newton is a “traitor”. Fucking hell, Stacey.
Stacey and Kristy decide this means war. And I decide this means break time because I haven't eaten in hours and I have rice to cook.
See ya later. Have the song I'm listening to, it's quite calming.
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#3 The Truth About Stacey (Chapter Six - Chapter Thirteen)
I'm on a time limit on this computer so here's a link to the Dreamwidth post. Sorry!
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Migrating to Dreamwidth!
Because a) it's more convenient to post on one site than to post twice and b) because everyone's at the Dreamwidth now.
I've got a new post up. See ya there!
I've got a new post up. See ya there!
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Dream width?
Did something happen to the community on Dream Width? I have been trying to read it, but it no longer works, even on different browsers, after I've cleared my cache and cookies....is anyone else having issues?
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#10 Logan Likes Mary Anne! snark - chapters 1 to 5
I've read and laughed hysterically at a thousand of these things, and I just finished my final uni exam for the year a couple of days ago, so I figured that I might have a go at snarking one of these books myself.
My first snark ever, but hopefully not my last! Please be kind!
Before I get started, I hope no one minds if I take this opportunity to get a few things off my chest about the series in general.
1. Don't any of the parents in Stoneybrook have any family members nearby, at all, ever? What I mean is, don't grandparents typically enjoy babysitting their grandchildren? Or aunts and uncles? Or close adult friends? What the hell possesses these people to leave their children in the care of KIDS WHO ARE ONLY A FEW YEARS OLDER THAN THEY ARE?!! I have two things to say about that. One - when I was a child over the age of three, there is no way that I would have ever listened to a 13 year old or an ELEVEN YEAR OLD! Two - professional babysitting agencies do exist, and they always have! With adult babysitters who have qualifications in childcare, who know how to drive in the case of an emergency, and who don't set up "booby traps" and then shit their pants when the dog sets them off. (Mary Anne in the phantom phone calls book - I'm looking at you.)
2. Stacey and Dawn. Fucking hell. You think New York and California are better than Connecticut. WE! GET! IT!!! We fucking get it!!!! Christ!!
3. What the hell is up with Dawn's mother? Wearing mismatched earrings and leaving hedge clippers in the freezer and shit? What the fuck is this woman on? Who does that?
4. Charlie. What the fuck? Does this guy honestly have nothing better to do that chauffer his little sister around every fucking day (either to a meeting or a babysitting gig)? And all for a dollar or two? And what the hell does he do while Kristy is in the meetings? Does he honestly drive home and then straight back to Claudia's again? Or does he just sit in his car twiddling his thumbs for thirty minutes?
5. What the hell, Kishis? Your daughter can't fucking spell words that she should have learned when she was six. But instead of hiring tutors for her and making her SIT DOWN AND FUCKING STUDY, you let her go off to babysitting gigs and art classes every day after school. Call me pessimistic, but the chances of Claudia actually being a professional artist one day are pretty fucking slim. Repeat after me. ART CLASSES ARE A HOBBY! Her school work should come first! In this book, they mention that a C is an acceptable grade for Claudia. So her parents have essentially given up then? "Let's just focus on our one daughter who actually gives a shit, and then talk her into letting her sister sponge off her in their adult years." Great parenting, Kishis!
6. I still don't know who the fuck Abby is. And I don't really care.
Anyway! On to the book! Let's start with the cover.
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Logan and Jackie both look 11. Mary Anne looks 28. All of their clothes are ugly, especially Mary Anne's jumper. And Jackie looks far more in love with Logan than Mary Anne does. Moving on.
Chapter 1
Mary Anne begins by telling us that it's the last day of summer holidays, they're all starting year 8 for the first time, and it had been an eventful summer. The spiel then begins in the second paragraph.
The Baby-Sitters Club earns "pretty much money", whatever the hell that means. They meet three times a week to "gossip and fool around". Seriously, Ann? You couldn't have chosen a better phrase than that?
Kristy likes sports and has a rich stepfather. Her big event this past summer was that her mother got married. Claudia likes junk food, miraculously isn't obese, and is a fucking dumbass. Her event was that her grandmother had a stroke but is gradually recovering. Dawn is a health-food wench. Her event was that she went to California to visit her dad, and she found a secret passage in her house. Stacey has diabetes. Her event was that she went to New Jersey with Mary Anne and the Pikes and was a total bitch for nine tenths of the book.
Dawn rings Mary Anne's doorbell so that they can walk across the street together. (Seriously?) She was wearing a "pretty snappy outfit - hot-pink shorts with a big, breezy island-print shirt over a white tank top", which actually sounds surprisingly okay. Mary Anne checks the mailbox and actually SHRIEKS because Sixteen has arrived and Cam Geary is on the cover. (I only discovered about a week ago that Cam Geary isn't real. I'm not even kidding.) Dawn remarks on how much Mary Anne has changed over the summer, and they go to Claudia's. I am flabbergasted - they actually say hello to Janine!
Anyway, Claudia passes around the usual junk food, including gumdrops and pretzels from her pillowcase. Can you say "ouch"? We then get two paragraphs on the notebook and the record book, of course. And then the girls do something miraculous which nearly causes me to fall off my chair - they actually act like normal teenagers for about thirty seconds and talk about celebrities! Apparently Cam Geary is dating some chick called Corrie Lalique, who looks older than 14 because she has breasts.
Mrs. Prezzioso calls and the bitches all groan. Mary Anne takes the job as usual, because she's the only one who can tolerate a perfectly nice child who doesn't like to play in the mud. The horror!
They then get several more calls in a row, and the last meeting of the summer comes to an end.
Chapter 2
Mary Anne, Claudia and Stacey all walk to school together. Mary Anne has all new stationery (which was always my favourite thing about the first day of school), a Cam Geary poster for her locker, and some chewing gum for sticking it up, because tape is apparently not allowed. Fucking nasty! You'd think the teachers would be more against nasty bits of chewed gum everywhere than bits of tape. And Blu Tack has been around since the 60s, hasn't it?
Mary Anne talks about being a wuss when they started sixth grade, which I get - new school and all that. But she mentions that she wasn't much better when starting seventh grade. Umm... what? What is so scary about starting a new school year AT A SCHOOL THAT YOU ALSO ATTENDED THE YEAR BEFORE?
Anyway, they get to school, Stacey pulls off a random Porky Pig imitation, Mary Anne puts up her poster, walks to homeroom, and almost shits her pants when she sees that there are kids in there that she doesn't know well. She's saved by Dawn though, they sit down at the back, and Mary Anne tells us her schedule.
English, maths, gym, social studies, lunch, science, study hall, and French. Four classes before getting the chance to eat anything seems a bit extreme to me. At both of my high schools (no middle school in my country - year 7-12 is high school), we had two subjects, then a 20-minute recess, then two subjects, then a 40-minute lunch, then two subjects, then home time.
Kristy and Mary Anne have decided to stop being babyish and start buying lunch. That's something that I've never quite understood. Dawn brings her lunch, and no one says anything. Claudia and Stacey have decided to ditch their old friends and sit with the other cult members. I guess that means "Goodbye, Shillaber twins!" Kristy compares the school mushroom sauce to "a dirty sock that's been left out in the rain and then hidden in a dark closet for three weeks". Yet you're the dumbass who bought it, Kristy! Seems like Dawn's the only one with half a brain in this bunch.
Mary Anne suddenly jizzes her pants at the sight of Cam Geary in the lunch room. Stacey tells her that it's Logan Bruno, some new kid in her homeroom, from Louisville, Kentucky. Mary Anne seethes with jealousy as the chapter comes to an end.
Chapter 3
Another club meeting. Everyone showed up at the last minute, and Kristy didn't pitch a fit because she was almost late herself, thanks to Charlie having a life outside of her. (He was at football practice.) The phone is already ringing off the hook, and Kristy has one of her "brilliant ideas". More advertising! There's some PTA meeting coming up, which for some reason they have been advertising at school (and not in the newsletter), but whatever. Kristy wants to distribute flyers there, and also around her neighbourhood, so that she can have some local clients.
Mary Anne mentions Logan, and all the other cult members start giving her shit for it. She's then saved by the ringing of the phone, and the conversation turns to some random girl (who we've never heard of before and will never hear of again), who "got a bra yesterday". How do they know this? And why does it matter?
Then Mary Anne confesses that she got a bra yesterday, too, and all of the cult members lose their shit over it. "Flat as a pancake" Kristy is now the only cult member without a bra! Whatever will she do?!! Chapter over.
Chapter 4
Claudia runs past Mary Anne in the hall yelling about an emergency club meeting at lunch. Was that really necessary? They're all going to be sitting together anyway. Can they only talk about business if they're at an official meeting? Whatever. Mary Anne tells Kristy, and she immediately demands to know who called it. "Only the president calls emergency meetings, bitches! Worship me! Kiss my feet! And so on."
Anyway, lunch time rolls around, and they don't like the lunch again, so Mary Anne and Kristy buy popsicles. How filling and nutritious! So much better than a babyish home-made lunch!
At the table, Claudia tells everyone that she's going batshit crazy over all the extra phone calls that she's been receiving lately, thanks to the recent advertising that Kristy forced them all to do. Apparently she received seven phone calls the night before and that morning. The flyers have business days/hours printed on them! Don't people pay attention to shit like that? Anyway, Claudia says that her parents would have flipped the fuck out if she had called all the members about all the jobs last night, as she is apparently ALREADY behind in maths and English. (Isn't it like week 2? How is that even possible?) And her parents obviously want her studying rather than talking to her friends all fucking night on a weeknight. Maybe they do have an ounce of common sense afterall.
So the jobs haven't been filled, and Claudia's brought the record book to school so that they can take care of it. It's a bit tricky, but they manage to fill all the jobs. Then something miraculous happens. Mary Anne actually CONFRONTS Kristy - "What the fuck, you stupid bitch! Why the fuck did you make us advertise when we were already swamped with work?! Are you fucking high?!!"
Nah, I'm kidding (unfortunately). She says "We definitely shouldn't do any more advertising. We were already pretty busy as it was." Kristy, of course, won't admit that she did anything wrong and, after an awkward silence, Claudia asks how they're going to deal with the problem.
And then it happened, fellow snarkies. The moment you've all been waiting for! The heavens part! The angels start to sing! YES! IT'S THAT HEAVENLY VOICE!
"In Luevulle, Ah've haid plainy of expuryence."
The cult members all simultaneously cream their pants. Kristy invites him to sit with them, and Logan's friends start hooting and hollering and punching him on the arm. He sits next to Mary Anne who freezes in place. Stacey introduces him to everyone, and Kristy tells him about the club. Logan says that he babysits for his siblings and used to babysit for his neighbours in "Luevulle". He then says that he can stay out until 10:30 on weeknights and midnight on weekends. The kid's 13. Nice parenting, Brunos. Kristy invites him to the next meeting, and Mary Anne just about dies.
Chapter 5
The big day has arrived. Mary Anne was babysitting, but Mrs. Newton arrived home early, so Mary Anne sprints home to change into "a bright vest over a short-sleeved white blouse", brush her hair, and put on some jewellery. She arrives at Claudia's at 5:15, and everyone's already there. They comment on the fact that Mary Anne's prettied herself up for Logan, and they give her shit over it again.
Then... LOGAN ARRIVES! Claudia goes to let him in and Mary Anne shoves Claudia's rag doll under her bed. She also clears a spot on the floor next to her for Logan. He comes in, says hi, and sits down, and Mary Anne fucking freezes AGAIN. Seriously, bitch? WHY did you want him sitting next to you if you're just going to be awkward throughout the whole fucking meeting? But anyway, everyone but Mary Anne talks about club stuff, tells him about their titles, and about the notebook and record book.
The phone rings, and they all jump for it, including Mary Anne, which makes no sense as she can't even fucking talk. Dawn gets it, and it's Mrs. Perkins. She tell Logan that they live across the street, have two girls, and are expecting another baby. Logan's response is just "okay". He clearly couldn't care less. Can't say I blame him.
Mary Anne picks up the record book, drops it, picks it up, and drops it again. Finally Logan has to hand it to her. Fucking hell, Mary Anne. Anyway, Claudia and Mary Anne are both free, but Claudia tells Mary Anne to take it.
After a few more phone calls, Mary Anne tells us that Claudia and Stacey are now busy every afternoon next week. I wonder how the Kishis will feel about that.
Claudia starts telling the story of how Pete Black snapped Dorianne Wallingford's bra strap (who cares?) but stops herself once she remembers that there's a boy in the room, and that "bra strap" is a dirty phrase! Everyone gets all awkward, Logan passes Mary Anne some popcorn to diffuse the tension, and Mary Anne SPILLS IT EVERYWHERE. FUCKING HELL, MARY ANNE! They all scramble around, trying to clean it up.
Claudia asks Logan about his worst baby sitting experience, and he starts telling the story of how he was baby sitting a kid who was being potty trained who didn't want to go to the toilet, so Logan whipped his dick out and showed him how to pee. He, too, stops before he reaches the awkward part, but it was obvious where the story was going.
Anyway, Claudia and Logan go to the kitchen to get sodas, and the other members talk about whether or not this would actually work out. With the exception of Claudia and Stacey, they are obviously not mature enough to act like actual human beings around boys, especially Mary Anne, who can't even fucking talk.
Anyway, they return with the drinks, and Logan tries to make small talk. Again, he gets nothing out of Mary Anne. Mrs. Rodowsky calls - yes, this is the first book with the Rodowskys! They apparently live down the road from Logan, and Kristy asks him if he wants to go on a trial job, which he agrees to. Mary Anne is the only cult member who's free! Oooooooh, shit.
My first snark ever, but hopefully not my last! Please be kind!
Before I get started, I hope no one minds if I take this opportunity to get a few things off my chest about the series in general.
1. Don't any of the parents in Stoneybrook have any family members nearby, at all, ever? What I mean is, don't grandparents typically enjoy babysitting their grandchildren? Or aunts and uncles? Or close adult friends? What the hell possesses these people to leave their children in the care of KIDS WHO ARE ONLY A FEW YEARS OLDER THAN THEY ARE?!! I have two things to say about that. One - when I was a child over the age of three, there is no way that I would have ever listened to a 13 year old or an ELEVEN YEAR OLD! Two - professional babysitting agencies do exist, and they always have! With adult babysitters who have qualifications in childcare, who know how to drive in the case of an emergency, and who don't set up "booby traps" and then shit their pants when the dog sets them off. (Mary Anne in the phantom phone calls book - I'm looking at you.)
2. Stacey and Dawn. Fucking hell. You think New York and California are better than Connecticut. WE! GET! IT!!! We fucking get it!!!! Christ!!
3. What the hell is up with Dawn's mother? Wearing mismatched earrings and leaving hedge clippers in the freezer and shit? What the fuck is this woman on? Who does that?
4. Charlie. What the fuck? Does this guy honestly have nothing better to do that chauffer his little sister around every fucking day (either to a meeting or a babysitting gig)? And all for a dollar or two? And what the hell does he do while Kristy is in the meetings? Does he honestly drive home and then straight back to Claudia's again? Or does he just sit in his car twiddling his thumbs for thirty minutes?
5. What the hell, Kishis? Your daughter can't fucking spell words that she should have learned when she was six. But instead of hiring tutors for her and making her SIT DOWN AND FUCKING STUDY, you let her go off to babysitting gigs and art classes every day after school. Call me pessimistic, but the chances of Claudia actually being a professional artist one day are pretty fucking slim. Repeat after me. ART CLASSES ARE A HOBBY! Her school work should come first! In this book, they mention that a C is an acceptable grade for Claudia. So her parents have essentially given up then? "Let's just focus on our one daughter who actually gives a shit, and then talk her into letting her sister sponge off her in their adult years." Great parenting, Kishis!
6. I still don't know who the fuck Abby is. And I don't really care.
Anyway! On to the book! Let's start with the cover.
Logan and Jackie both look 11. Mary Anne looks 28. All of their clothes are ugly, especially Mary Anne's jumper. And Jackie looks far more in love with Logan than Mary Anne does. Moving on.
Chapter 1
Mary Anne begins by telling us that it's the last day of summer holidays, they're all starting year 8 for the first time, and it had been an eventful summer. The spiel then begins in the second paragraph.
The Baby-Sitters Club earns "pretty much money", whatever the hell that means. They meet three times a week to "gossip and fool around". Seriously, Ann? You couldn't have chosen a better phrase than that?
Kristy likes sports and has a rich stepfather. Her big event this past summer was that her mother got married. Claudia likes junk food, miraculously isn't obese, and is a fucking dumbass. Her event was that her grandmother had a stroke but is gradually recovering. Dawn is a health-food wench. Her event was that she went to California to visit her dad, and she found a secret passage in her house. Stacey has diabetes. Her event was that she went to New Jersey with Mary Anne and the Pikes and was a total bitch for nine tenths of the book.
Dawn rings Mary Anne's doorbell so that they can walk across the street together. (Seriously?) She was wearing a "pretty snappy outfit - hot-pink shorts with a big, breezy island-print shirt over a white tank top", which actually sounds surprisingly okay. Mary Anne checks the mailbox and actually SHRIEKS because Sixteen has arrived and Cam Geary is on the cover. (I only discovered about a week ago that Cam Geary isn't real. I'm not even kidding.) Dawn remarks on how much Mary Anne has changed over the summer, and they go to Claudia's. I am flabbergasted - they actually say hello to Janine!
Anyway, Claudia passes around the usual junk food, including gumdrops and pretzels from her pillowcase. Can you say "ouch"? We then get two paragraphs on the notebook and the record book, of course. And then the girls do something miraculous which nearly causes me to fall off my chair - they actually act like normal teenagers for about thirty seconds and talk about celebrities! Apparently Cam Geary is dating some chick called Corrie Lalique, who looks older than 14 because she has breasts.
Mrs. Prezzioso calls and the bitches all groan. Mary Anne takes the job as usual, because she's the only one who can tolerate a perfectly nice child who doesn't like to play in the mud. The horror!
They then get several more calls in a row, and the last meeting of the summer comes to an end.
Chapter 2
Mary Anne, Claudia and Stacey all walk to school together. Mary Anne has all new stationery (which was always my favourite thing about the first day of school), a Cam Geary poster for her locker, and some chewing gum for sticking it up, because tape is apparently not allowed. Fucking nasty! You'd think the teachers would be more against nasty bits of chewed gum everywhere than bits of tape. And Blu Tack has been around since the 60s, hasn't it?
Mary Anne talks about being a wuss when they started sixth grade, which I get - new school and all that. But she mentions that she wasn't much better when starting seventh grade. Umm... what? What is so scary about starting a new school year AT A SCHOOL THAT YOU ALSO ATTENDED THE YEAR BEFORE?
Anyway, they get to school, Stacey pulls off a random Porky Pig imitation, Mary Anne puts up her poster, walks to homeroom, and almost shits her pants when she sees that there are kids in there that she doesn't know well. She's saved by Dawn though, they sit down at the back, and Mary Anne tells us her schedule.
English, maths, gym, social studies, lunch, science, study hall, and French. Four classes before getting the chance to eat anything seems a bit extreme to me. At both of my high schools (no middle school in my country - year 7-12 is high school), we had two subjects, then a 20-minute recess, then two subjects, then a 40-minute lunch, then two subjects, then home time.
Kristy and Mary Anne have decided to stop being babyish and start buying lunch. That's something that I've never quite understood. Dawn brings her lunch, and no one says anything. Claudia and Stacey have decided to ditch their old friends and sit with the other cult members. I guess that means "Goodbye, Shillaber twins!" Kristy compares the school mushroom sauce to "a dirty sock that's been left out in the rain and then hidden in a dark closet for three weeks". Yet you're the dumbass who bought it, Kristy! Seems like Dawn's the only one with half a brain in this bunch.
Mary Anne suddenly jizzes her pants at the sight of Cam Geary in the lunch room. Stacey tells her that it's Logan Bruno, some new kid in her homeroom, from Louisville, Kentucky. Mary Anne seethes with jealousy as the chapter comes to an end.
Chapter 3
Another club meeting. Everyone showed up at the last minute, and Kristy didn't pitch a fit because she was almost late herself, thanks to Charlie having a life outside of her. (He was at football practice.) The phone is already ringing off the hook, and Kristy has one of her "brilliant ideas". More advertising! There's some PTA meeting coming up, which for some reason they have been advertising at school (and not in the newsletter), but whatever. Kristy wants to distribute flyers there, and also around her neighbourhood, so that she can have some local clients.
Mary Anne mentions Logan, and all the other cult members start giving her shit for it. She's then saved by the ringing of the phone, and the conversation turns to some random girl (who we've never heard of before and will never hear of again), who "got a bra yesterday". How do they know this? And why does it matter?
Then Mary Anne confesses that she got a bra yesterday, too, and all of the cult members lose their shit over it. "Flat as a pancake" Kristy is now the only cult member without a bra! Whatever will she do?!! Chapter over.
Chapter 4
Claudia runs past Mary Anne in the hall yelling about an emergency club meeting at lunch. Was that really necessary? They're all going to be sitting together anyway. Can they only talk about business if they're at an official meeting? Whatever. Mary Anne tells Kristy, and she immediately demands to know who called it. "Only the president calls emergency meetings, bitches! Worship me! Kiss my feet! And so on."
Anyway, lunch time rolls around, and they don't like the lunch again, so Mary Anne and Kristy buy popsicles. How filling and nutritious! So much better than a babyish home-made lunch!
At the table, Claudia tells everyone that she's going batshit crazy over all the extra phone calls that she's been receiving lately, thanks to the recent advertising that Kristy forced them all to do. Apparently she received seven phone calls the night before and that morning. The flyers have business days/hours printed on them! Don't people pay attention to shit like that? Anyway, Claudia says that her parents would have flipped the fuck out if she had called all the members about all the jobs last night, as she is apparently ALREADY behind in maths and English. (Isn't it like week 2? How is that even possible?) And her parents obviously want her studying rather than talking to her friends all fucking night on a weeknight. Maybe they do have an ounce of common sense afterall.
So the jobs haven't been filled, and Claudia's brought the record book to school so that they can take care of it. It's a bit tricky, but they manage to fill all the jobs. Then something miraculous happens. Mary Anne actually CONFRONTS Kristy - "What the fuck, you stupid bitch! Why the fuck did you make us advertise when we were already swamped with work?! Are you fucking high?!!"
Nah, I'm kidding (unfortunately). She says "We definitely shouldn't do any more advertising. We were already pretty busy as it was." Kristy, of course, won't admit that she did anything wrong and, after an awkward silence, Claudia asks how they're going to deal with the problem.
And then it happened, fellow snarkies. The moment you've all been waiting for! The heavens part! The angels start to sing! YES! IT'S THAT HEAVENLY VOICE!
"In Luevulle, Ah've haid plainy of expuryence."
The cult members all simultaneously cream their pants. Kristy invites him to sit with them, and Logan's friends start hooting and hollering and punching him on the arm. He sits next to Mary Anne who freezes in place. Stacey introduces him to everyone, and Kristy tells him about the club. Logan says that he babysits for his siblings and used to babysit for his neighbours in "Luevulle". He then says that he can stay out until 10:30 on weeknights and midnight on weekends. The kid's 13. Nice parenting, Brunos. Kristy invites him to the next meeting, and Mary Anne just about dies.
Chapter 5
The big day has arrived. Mary Anne was babysitting, but Mrs. Newton arrived home early, so Mary Anne sprints home to change into "a bright vest over a short-sleeved white blouse", brush her hair, and put on some jewellery. She arrives at Claudia's at 5:15, and everyone's already there. They comment on the fact that Mary Anne's prettied herself up for Logan, and they give her shit over it again.
Then... LOGAN ARRIVES! Claudia goes to let him in and Mary Anne shoves Claudia's rag doll under her bed. She also clears a spot on the floor next to her for Logan. He comes in, says hi, and sits down, and Mary Anne fucking freezes AGAIN. Seriously, bitch? WHY did you want him sitting next to you if you're just going to be awkward throughout the whole fucking meeting? But anyway, everyone but Mary Anne talks about club stuff, tells him about their titles, and about the notebook and record book.
The phone rings, and they all jump for it, including Mary Anne, which makes no sense as she can't even fucking talk. Dawn gets it, and it's Mrs. Perkins. She tell Logan that they live across the street, have two girls, and are expecting another baby. Logan's response is just "okay". He clearly couldn't care less. Can't say I blame him.
Mary Anne picks up the record book, drops it, picks it up, and drops it again. Finally Logan has to hand it to her. Fucking hell, Mary Anne. Anyway, Claudia and Mary Anne are both free, but Claudia tells Mary Anne to take it.
After a few more phone calls, Mary Anne tells us that Claudia and Stacey are now busy every afternoon next week. I wonder how the Kishis will feel about that.
Claudia starts telling the story of how Pete Black snapped Dorianne Wallingford's bra strap (who cares?) but stops herself once she remembers that there's a boy in the room, and that "bra strap" is a dirty phrase! Everyone gets all awkward, Logan passes Mary Anne some popcorn to diffuse the tension, and Mary Anne SPILLS IT EVERYWHERE. FUCKING HELL, MARY ANNE! They all scramble around, trying to clean it up.
Claudia asks Logan about his worst baby sitting experience, and he starts telling the story of how he was baby sitting a kid who was being potty trained who didn't want to go to the toilet, so Logan whipped his dick out and showed him how to pee. He, too, stops before he reaches the awkward part, but it was obvious where the story was going.
Anyway, Claudia and Logan go to the kitchen to get sodas, and the other members talk about whether or not this would actually work out. With the exception of Claudia and Stacey, they are obviously not mature enough to act like actual human beings around boys, especially Mary Anne, who can't even fucking talk.
Anyway, they return with the drinks, and Logan tries to make small talk. Again, he gets nothing out of Mary Anne. Mrs. Rodowsky calls - yes, this is the first book with the Rodowskys! They apparently live down the road from Logan, and Kristy asks him if he wants to go on a trial job, which he agrees to. Mary Anne is the only cult member who's free! Oooooooh, shit.
↧
#10 Logan Likes Mary Anne! snark - chapters 6 to 10
I hope you're all enjoying my snark so far! Here's the next third.
Chapter 6
It's the day of the big baby sitting gig. When Mary Anne sees Logan, she freezes up again, but tells herself "This is a job, you fuckwit. Get your fucking shit together." Finally, a little common sense! Logan asks "How much trouble can one little kid be?" and Mary Anne immediately thinks of Jenny. What the fuck is wrong with Jenny? The kid plays quietly by herself. What an easy fucking job! Sounds like a baby sitter's dream to me! Karen, on the other hand, scares her siblings at every opportunity and terrorizes her poor neighbour left, right and centre. Fuck, the little turd scraped the paint off her father's car, AND WASN'T EVEN DISCIPLINED FOR IT. What the fuck has Jenny done? Refused to put on a painting smock? But anyway, I'm getting off topic.
They ring the bell and Mrs. Rodowsky answers the door. She doesn't look like most mothers in Stoneybrook because she's wearing jeans. Umm... what?! I honestly don't even know what to say to that.
She specifically tells them to call her Mariel, but they don't. Jackie runs down the stairs yelling about his grasshopper. After his mother leaves, he bounces off the couch and almost flies right into the piano but Logan manages to catch him. He then starts going on about his male grasshopper again, who is called Elizabeth. Meh. I won't snark that. It's his pet. He can call it what he wants. He runs upstairs to get it. Logan and Mary Anne make awkward small talk, and realise that Jackie's taking an awfully long time to grab a jar and haul ass back downstairs.
They hear a thump, sprint upstairs, and find Jackie sitting on the bathroom floor surrounded by shower curtain. Apparently, he tried to do a chin-up on the shower curtain rod. He and Logan start chatting about random shit, and Mary Anne gets her panties in a twist because Logan hasn't checked him over for injuries, and hasn't reprimanded him for being stupid. So she does so, and Jackie demands grape juice, and claims that he can pour it himself. Of course, he spills it all over the carpet. Nice work, kid. Logan comes to the rescue and cleans the mess up, and Jackie goes to get the grasshopper again. This time they have enough sense to follow him.
The kid gets his hand stuck in the jar, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Hasn't he ever taken his grasshopper out of the jar before? Why the hell didn't his hand get stuck last time? Anyway, Logan comes to the rescue AGAIN, and gets it out with margarine. This kid actually has some sense!
We're told that, before his mother had arrived home, Jackie had managed to fall off his bike, rip his jeans, and cause Mary Anne to fall into Logan's arms. Apart from the last thing, which I doubt Mary Anne had much of an issue with, what a fucking nightmare. They should use a picture of this kid in condom advertisements.
As they're leaving, Logan tells Mary Anne that she has a nice smile. Aww.
Chapter 7
Claudia's baby sittingMariMyih Myriah and Gabbie Perkins. Bitch can't spell "have". Anyway, "Claudee Kishi" arrives and Mrs. Perkins is all stressed because the dryer just broke and Gabbie has put stickers all over her bedroom door. I get that. I did the same when I was a kid, no one bothered to try to take them off for years, and when I grew up and complained about having babyish stickers all over my door, my parents tried to take them off and the paint came off with them.
Anyway, Mrs. Perkins asks Claudia if they can meet Myriah at the bus stop at 4pm. She then SPECIFICALLY SAYS that Chewy can stay in the yard, and she leaves. Gabbie shows Claudee the stickers and plays by herself for a bit, until they need to leave to go get Myriah.
As they're leaving, Claudee says that Chewy might like a walk, and Gabby mentions that they don't usually take him to the bus stop. The child has more sense than Claudee, who doesn't listen. They walk him to the bus stop, the dumbass goes to pick up Gabbie, and DROPS THE LEASH. The dog grabs Myriah's backpack, and takes off, of course. So they start chasing him, passing the homes of several of the neighbourhood kids, who all start chasing him, too. Charlotte Johnanssen manages to grab Myriah's backpack, and Claudia TAKES THE KIDS HOME AND LEAVES CHEWY LOOSE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD.
JESUS CHRIST!
She sits in the house stressing, until a workman rings the doorbell saying that Chewy's been stealing cones. Claudee traps him in the backyard, and Mrs. Perkins comes home. When Claud tells her what happened, she says that Mrs. Perkins seems to think she's bullshitting.
I'd be so fucking pissed off if I'd specifically told a baby sitter to leave my dog in the yard, and she took him out, lost him, and DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING LOOK FOR HIM!
Oh, well. Moving on.
Chapter 8
Meeting time. They're all laughing over the Chewy incident, and Kristy gets the shits, claiming that she'll have to make a decision about Logan by herself. The others all come to attention, and Kristy asks Mary Anne about Logan's trial gig. She says that he did a decent job, and they all agree that they like him, but THEY DON'T WANT HIM IN THE CLUB BECAUSE THINGS ARE AWKWARD AS FUCK WHEN HE'S AROUND.
THEN WHY DID THEY MAKE HIM GO ON A TRIAL GIG?!! FUCK!!!
Anyway, Mariel calls to set up another job, and says that Jackie loves Logan and Mary Anne and wants them to come back. How sweet! Unfortunately, no one's free. Dawn suggests calling Logan, since Jackie likes him anyway, and Kristy says no because he's not an official member yet. What the fuck, Kristy?
Anyway, Mary Anne says she'll try to get out of the boring dinner plans with her dad and his clients, and that they should call Mrs. R back to say that either she or Luevulle will be there. They should probably check with Logan first, but whatever. The bitches get Mary Anne to call Logan to tell him that he can't be in the club, because the majority of them are not mature enough to conduct business with a penis in the room. She says "At least let me call him in private" and goes home a few minutes early.
Hyperventilating, she calls him and is just about to tell him that he can't join, when he says that he's decided against it anyway. After the extreme awkwardness of that first meeting, I honestly can't say I blame him.
Mary Anne takes it personally, of course, and starts wondering if Logan really likes her or whether he was bullshitting, when he asks her to the Remember September dance.
Yes, a dance to celebrate a month. But I digress.
Even though Mary Anne hates dancing, and her dad would probably pitch a fit, she says yes.
Chapter 9
Another fucking baby sitting chapter. This time it's Stacey sitting for Charlotte.
The notebook entry tells us that Charlotte has skipped a year in school, and has a "best friend" named Sophie McCann, even though none of this is mentioned in the actual chapter.
Nothing super-interesting here. Stacey has her Kid-Kit, and reads Charlotte "Happy Birthday to You" by Dr. Seuss. This, of course, leads to the topic of birthdays, and Stacey mentions that Mary Anne's turning 13 soon. For some reason, Charlotte seems to think that it would be a good idea to throw a surprise party for Mary Anne. Sounds like hell to me. You'd think that, being shy herself, Charlotte would know better. But anyway, Stacey shuts the idea down, and Charlotte then suggests throwing a regular party and then bringing out a surprise birthday cake. Why not just ASK Mary Anne whether or not she wants to celebrate her birthday?
But anyway, Stacey goes home and starts writing a guest list, including Dorianne Wallingford, Pete Black, Howie Johnson, Emily Bernstein and Rick Chow, plus she'll ask everyone to bring a date. Mary Anne is FUCKING SHY! She would not want people there that she doesn't know well! Just go over her house for pizza and a movie or something. I'm shy, and I can tell you for a fact that I would MUCH prefer that over a party with a bunch of people that I barely even know.
Chapter 10
It's the day before the Remember September dance! Mary Anne's father has miraculously agreed to let his daughter go, and has even given her his Bellair's charge card so that she can buy a new outfit.
She brings the cult, of course. Rather than looking for a dress or shoes or hair accessories or whatever, Stacey tries to drag Mary Anne to the underwear department! Umm... what the fuck, Stacey? That's so fucking inappropriate. Why the hell does Mary Anne need new underwear? Does Stacey honestly expect her to go all the way on the first date?
But anyway, Claudia eventually find Mary Anne a "full white skirt with the words Paris, Rome and London, and sketchy pink and blue pictures of the Eiffel Tower, the Tower Bridge, and other stuff scrawled all over it." Mary Anne also buys a pink shirt, pink sweater, and some white flats with pink and blue edging. Nice.
The next day, Kristy suggests they pay Janine a couple of dollars to answer the phone for them, while they go over to Mary Anne's to help her get ready.
WHAT... THE... FUCKING... FUCK?!!!!!
She tells Mary Anne to scuff up the bottoms of her shoes or she'll slip and fall, and Mary Anne starts freaking out. Mary Anne's dad drives them all to the dance, and we get some outfit descriptions!
Claudia's wearing "short, tight-fitting black pants and a big white shirt that said BE-BOP all over it in between pictures of rock and roll dancers" with a floppy blue bow in her hair.
Stacey's wearing a white t-shirt with a hot pink jumpsuit. Fugly.
Dawn's wearing a green and white oversized sweater with stretchy green pants.
Kristy's wearing a white turtleneck under a pink sweater with jeans. Seriously, Kristy?
But anyway, the hallway is fucking packed. Mary Anne spots Logan opposite her and has to fight her way through the crowd to go say hi. He gives her a smushed orange flower which doesn't go with anything. (Nice job, Logan.) They drink punch and make awkward small talk, while Mary Anne constantly checks the time, counting the number of minutes until she can escape.
They finally start to dance. Mary Anne copies him, which is cute and makes him laugh. She then kicks one of her feet and her shoe flies off, narrowly misses the vice-principal, and hits the wall. Everyone loses their shit laughing at her, including her BFFs. She marches over to the bleachers and Logan dances with the other cult members, while checking on Mary Anne every now and then. There is no mention of her apparent best friends coming over to check on her once throughout the evening.
The dance ends, Logan's all sweet, and Mary Anne decides that she might actually want to go to another dance with him... maybe.
Chapter 6
It's the day of the big baby sitting gig. When Mary Anne sees Logan, she freezes up again, but tells herself "This is a job, you fuckwit. Get your fucking shit together." Finally, a little common sense! Logan asks "How much trouble can one little kid be?" and Mary Anne immediately thinks of Jenny. What the fuck is wrong with Jenny? The kid plays quietly by herself. What an easy fucking job! Sounds like a baby sitter's dream to me! Karen, on the other hand, scares her siblings at every opportunity and terrorizes her poor neighbour left, right and centre. Fuck, the little turd scraped the paint off her father's car, AND WASN'T EVEN DISCIPLINED FOR IT. What the fuck has Jenny done? Refused to put on a painting smock? But anyway, I'm getting off topic.
They ring the bell and Mrs. Rodowsky answers the door. She doesn't look like most mothers in Stoneybrook because she's wearing jeans. Umm... what?! I honestly don't even know what to say to that.
She specifically tells them to call her Mariel, but they don't. Jackie runs down the stairs yelling about his grasshopper. After his mother leaves, he bounces off the couch and almost flies right into the piano but Logan manages to catch him. He then starts going on about his male grasshopper again, who is called Elizabeth. Meh. I won't snark that. It's his pet. He can call it what he wants. He runs upstairs to get it. Logan and Mary Anne make awkward small talk, and realise that Jackie's taking an awfully long time to grab a jar and haul ass back downstairs.
They hear a thump, sprint upstairs, and find Jackie sitting on the bathroom floor surrounded by shower curtain. Apparently, he tried to do a chin-up on the shower curtain rod. He and Logan start chatting about random shit, and Mary Anne gets her panties in a twist because Logan hasn't checked him over for injuries, and hasn't reprimanded him for being stupid. So she does so, and Jackie demands grape juice, and claims that he can pour it himself. Of course, he spills it all over the carpet. Nice work, kid. Logan comes to the rescue and cleans the mess up, and Jackie goes to get the grasshopper again. This time they have enough sense to follow him.
The kid gets his hand stuck in the jar, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Hasn't he ever taken his grasshopper out of the jar before? Why the hell didn't his hand get stuck last time? Anyway, Logan comes to the rescue AGAIN, and gets it out with margarine. This kid actually has some sense!
We're told that, before his mother had arrived home, Jackie had managed to fall off his bike, rip his jeans, and cause Mary Anne to fall into Logan's arms. Apart from the last thing, which I doubt Mary Anne had much of an issue with, what a fucking nightmare. They should use a picture of this kid in condom advertisements.
As they're leaving, Logan tells Mary Anne that she has a nice smile. Aww.
Chapter 7
Claudia's baby sitting
Anyway, Mrs. Perkins asks Claudia if they can meet Myriah at the bus stop at 4pm. She then SPECIFICALLY SAYS that Chewy can stay in the yard, and she leaves. Gabbie shows Claudee the stickers and plays by herself for a bit, until they need to leave to go get Myriah.
As they're leaving, Claudee says that Chewy might like a walk, and Gabby mentions that they don't usually take him to the bus stop. The child has more sense than Claudee, who doesn't listen. They walk him to the bus stop, the dumbass goes to pick up Gabbie, and DROPS THE LEASH. The dog grabs Myriah's backpack, and takes off, of course. So they start chasing him, passing the homes of several of the neighbourhood kids, who all start chasing him, too. Charlotte Johnanssen manages to grab Myriah's backpack, and Claudia TAKES THE KIDS HOME AND LEAVES CHEWY LOOSE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD.
JESUS CHRIST!
She sits in the house stressing, until a workman rings the doorbell saying that Chewy's been stealing cones. Claudee traps him in the backyard, and Mrs. Perkins comes home. When Claud tells her what happened, she says that Mrs. Perkins seems to think she's bullshitting.
I'd be so fucking pissed off if I'd specifically told a baby sitter to leave my dog in the yard, and she took him out, lost him, and DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING LOOK FOR HIM!
Oh, well. Moving on.
Chapter 8
Meeting time. They're all laughing over the Chewy incident, and Kristy gets the shits, claiming that she'll have to make a decision about Logan by herself. The others all come to attention, and Kristy asks Mary Anne about Logan's trial gig. She says that he did a decent job, and they all agree that they like him, but THEY DON'T WANT HIM IN THE CLUB BECAUSE THINGS ARE AWKWARD AS FUCK WHEN HE'S AROUND.
THEN WHY DID THEY MAKE HIM GO ON A TRIAL GIG?!! FUCK!!!
Anyway, Mariel calls to set up another job, and says that Jackie loves Logan and Mary Anne and wants them to come back. How sweet! Unfortunately, no one's free. Dawn suggests calling Logan, since Jackie likes him anyway, and Kristy says no because he's not an official member yet. What the fuck, Kristy?
Anyway, Mary Anne says she'll try to get out of the boring dinner plans with her dad and his clients, and that they should call Mrs. R back to say that either she or Luevulle will be there. They should probably check with Logan first, but whatever. The bitches get Mary Anne to call Logan to tell him that he can't be in the club, because the majority of them are not mature enough to conduct business with a penis in the room. She says "At least let me call him in private" and goes home a few minutes early.
Hyperventilating, she calls him and is just about to tell him that he can't join, when he says that he's decided against it anyway. After the extreme awkwardness of that first meeting, I honestly can't say I blame him.
Mary Anne takes it personally, of course, and starts wondering if Logan really likes her or whether he was bullshitting, when he asks her to the Remember September dance.
Yes, a dance to celebrate a month. But I digress.
Even though Mary Anne hates dancing, and her dad would probably pitch a fit, she says yes.
Chapter 9
Another fucking baby sitting chapter. This time it's Stacey sitting for Charlotte.
The notebook entry tells us that Charlotte has skipped a year in school, and has a "best friend" named Sophie McCann, even though none of this is mentioned in the actual chapter.
Nothing super-interesting here. Stacey has her Kid-Kit, and reads Charlotte "Happy Birthday to You" by Dr. Seuss. This, of course, leads to the topic of birthdays, and Stacey mentions that Mary Anne's turning 13 soon. For some reason, Charlotte seems to think that it would be a good idea to throw a surprise party for Mary Anne. Sounds like hell to me. You'd think that, being shy herself, Charlotte would know better. But anyway, Stacey shuts the idea down, and Charlotte then suggests throwing a regular party and then bringing out a surprise birthday cake. Why not just ASK Mary Anne whether or not she wants to celebrate her birthday?
But anyway, Stacey goes home and starts writing a guest list, including Dorianne Wallingford, Pete Black, Howie Johnson, Emily Bernstein and Rick Chow, plus she'll ask everyone to bring a date. Mary Anne is FUCKING SHY! She would not want people there that she doesn't know well! Just go over her house for pizza and a movie or something. I'm shy, and I can tell you for a fact that I would MUCH prefer that over a party with a bunch of people that I barely even know.
Chapter 10
It's the day before the Remember September dance! Mary Anne's father has miraculously agreed to let his daughter go, and has even given her his Bellair's charge card so that she can buy a new outfit.
She brings the cult, of course. Rather than looking for a dress or shoes or hair accessories or whatever, Stacey tries to drag Mary Anne to the underwear department! Umm... what the fuck, Stacey? That's so fucking inappropriate. Why the hell does Mary Anne need new underwear? Does Stacey honestly expect her to go all the way on the first date?
But anyway, Claudia eventually find Mary Anne a "full white skirt with the words Paris, Rome and London, and sketchy pink and blue pictures of the Eiffel Tower, the Tower Bridge, and other stuff scrawled all over it." Mary Anne also buys a pink shirt, pink sweater, and some white flats with pink and blue edging. Nice.
The next day, Kristy suggests they pay Janine a couple of dollars to answer the phone for them, while they go over to Mary Anne's to help her get ready.
WHAT... THE... FUCKING... FUCK?!!!!!
She tells Mary Anne to scuff up the bottoms of her shoes or she'll slip and fall, and Mary Anne starts freaking out. Mary Anne's dad drives them all to the dance, and we get some outfit descriptions!
Claudia's wearing "short, tight-fitting black pants and a big white shirt that said BE-BOP all over it in between pictures of rock and roll dancers" with a floppy blue bow in her hair.
Stacey's wearing a white t-shirt with a hot pink jumpsuit. Fugly.
Dawn's wearing a green and white oversized sweater with stretchy green pants.
Kristy's wearing a white turtleneck under a pink sweater with jeans. Seriously, Kristy?
But anyway, the hallway is fucking packed. Mary Anne spots Logan opposite her and has to fight her way through the crowd to go say hi. He gives her a smushed orange flower which doesn't go with anything. (Nice job, Logan.) They drink punch and make awkward small talk, while Mary Anne constantly checks the time, counting the number of minutes until she can escape.
They finally start to dance. Mary Anne copies him, which is cute and makes him laugh. She then kicks one of her feet and her shoe flies off, narrowly misses the vice-principal, and hits the wall. Everyone loses their shit laughing at her, including her BFFs. She marches over to the bleachers and Logan dances with the other cult members, while checking on Mary Anne every now and then. There is no mention of her apparent best friends coming over to check on her once throughout the evening.
The dance ends, Logan's all sweet, and Mary Anne decides that she might actually want to go to another dance with him... maybe.
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Hey, y'all
Does anyone ever come to this comm anymore or has everyone migrated to dreamwidth? I miss the heyday of this comm and wondered if anyone's still around. I have a hard time letting go of places I enjoyed myself at. If anyone's still around, hit me up and I might start posting here again maybe?
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I know no one posts in here anymore, but I was scrolling the internet today, and found out that the BSC is getting a Netflix series! Hopefully better than the one that was on Disney all those years ago.
https://ew.com/tv/2019/02/28/baby-sitters-club-series-netflix/?utm_content=link&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=entertainmentweekly_entertainmentweekly&utm_term=78AD5368-3B89-11E9-BB47-9EC9984234C2&utm_source=facebook.com&fbclid=IwAR1ieEfajDLwlOoReMTaK5lQco0zvZeWOCu4n6iW8xD24z3jFKXjMBgruSA
https://ew.com/tv/2019/02/28/baby-sitters-club-series-netflix/?utm_content=link&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=entertainmentweekly_entertainmentweekly&utm_term=78AD5368-3B89-11E9-BB47-9EC9984234C2&utm_source=facebook.com&fbclid=IwAR1ieEfajDLwlOoReMTaK5lQco0zvZeWOCu4n6iW8xD24z3jFKXjMBgruSA
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Karen's New Teacher ch 1-5 Snark
Cover- Karen is standing with Nancy and Ricky and she's all "Come on, guys, the lady's a bitch." Nancy is holding her hands together, wearing a prairie dress. The look on her face says "I kind of like Miss Hoffman but I mustn't go against anything my Queen Karen says. Ricky looks like he wants to go home and watch television. Miss Hoffman is floating above Nancy's head writing "TILLUULM" on the chalk board instead of letting the class stuff their face with pizzas. (The nerve.)
Chapter 1- Arithmetic pizza, or "What grandparents call math" pizza.
We don't waste anytime hating on poor Natalie Springer. She is merely counting her pepperonis and Karen interrupts her to say she's doing it wrong. "Oh," says Natalie and continues working. Karen rolls her eyes at Natalie's very existence and then proceeds to brag about how nice her teacher is to let them learn about fractions with pizza. Then we get this gem:
"I want you," she said to our class, and then you have to turn the page so it sounds REAL creepy for a second. Haha! Ms. Coleman doesn't ask her students to perform any inappropriate acts and instead asks them to divide into groups of 3 or 4 and each group will make pizzas. Hmm. I'm a second grade teacher and I would personally have assigned those groups myself. Not to be mean, I love my students, it's just I know zero work would get done if I let them pick their groups. Anyway, Karen dubs Hank Reubens the class fat ass because he is excited about the pizzas. You were too, Karen. What does that make you? For the next few pages, each kid in her class says one word and we get a whole description of who they are. Hannie and Nancy are the besties, Bobby Gianelli says "cool" and Ms. C rocks because she dressed as a pencil for Halloween and takes them on field trips. News flash, the awesomeness of the field trip is usually not a reflection of the teacher. I would much rather let my students run around at a petting zoo and learn how to treat animals than follow around a grumpy tour guide that barks at them not to touch anything, but I don't have much choice in the matter. Anyway, Karen shrieks about how today is paper pizza day and tomorrow is my daddy buying a van day, and Ms. C calls her over to her desk. She asks what she is supposed to be doing. Karen answers "drawing a picture of pizza and not talking." She is asked to calm it down.
Chapter 2- Only One Ms. Colman, or Ms. Coleman is not a two two like me, Andrew, and Jacob the Hooded Fang
Andrew is 4 going on 5, but never actually will reach 5. "Did you guess that Andrew and I live at two houses because Mommy and Daddy are divorced? If you did you are right." Actually I guessed it because you just told us on the previous page, and because these books were my childhood.
She actually starts her family story with once upon a time. No big news flashes here. Except we learn that Watson grew up in the big house. That explains a lot. Also, Karen goes to private school so maybe Ms. C DOES have some say in the field trips. All the family members are introduced, and so are her "special" nicknames. I wonder if Jacob Two Two Meets the Hooded Fang appreciates all the publicity from making an appearance in all these books.
I just looked up a brief synopsis and Jacob isn't a two two because his parents are divorced. He's a two two because he might actually have some OCD about the number 2. Who knew. But good thing there is only one Ms. C! (Could it possibly be foreshadowing?)
Chapter 3- The substitute (Omg it WAS foreshadowing)
Karen and Nancers excitedly anticipate the pizzas first thing in the morning and plan to bombard Ms. C about them, which only makes me feel even worse for poor Hank Reubens. Isn't he allowed to be excited about pizza too? But Ms. C doesn't show up. It's a sub named Miss Pettig. She writes "Good morning boys and girls" on the board with her name and Karen scoffs that this is for babies. Doesn't Miss P know we can actually read cursive? Oh Karen, if I could tell you now what a pointless skill that really is. Miss P makes name tags for the kids so she will be able to call them by name all day, and this is actually above and beyond for a substitute. I would have appreciated that from a sub instead of being called "four eyes" or "pipsqueak" all day, but Karen and Nancy have a huge problem with this. Nancy is even seen putting her hands on her hips and glaring at Miss P. No cool Nance! Subs have a really hard job, show a little respect. So apparently the best teacher in the world didn't leave sub plans and Ms. P gives them kindergarten work to do. She even tells them which crayon to use for each part of their farm picture. This would annoy me too, but not much you can do without sub plans.
Chapter 4- The Surprising Awful Announcement(Ms C wants to get her boobs done)
So Ms. C is back the next day and right after Karen vows not to give her a headache, she screams her name and gives her a headache. This earns her the ever stern "Indoor voice, please." Clearly this method is not working and she needs some other consequence or reward for her volume control. Ms. C announces to the class that she has to get an operation...in the hospital...for a breast enlargement. (Ok not really but she doesn't say she's not. In fact she doesn't say what it is at all.) So she will be missing a month of school. In the same year she gets married and goes on maternity leave. I dunno, that's a long time away from the kids Ms. C. Instead of immediately wishing Ms. C well in her life- threatening operation, Karen immediately thinks about herself and a month without having the pizza party. I'm beginning to speculate that she didn't skip a grade, she was put in that class for extra support.
Chapter 5- Promises, or "Karen's pitty party"
Karen goes home and is mean to Rocky and Midgie. She even tells Andrew to shut up! Ok that is a really bad word to a second grader. It made me more sad that she was mean to the animals, but she made Andrew cry and all she has to do is apologize? Apparently Ms. C emailed all the rents about her boob job and Seth and Lisa talk to her about it. Karen says it isn't fair to her because first DM's first dog Louie dies and now this?! Ok I know it's sad when pets die but how well did Karen really know Louie? That doesn't really equal a "get- out- of- telling your little brother to shut up- card" to me, but Lisa and Seth comfort her and tell her she can make a card and call her. She feels better. Just a teensy bit though.
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Karen's New Teacher Snark- ch 6-11
Chapter 6- Karen's New Teacher (finally some classroom management)
On Wednesdays, we wear pink. Jk. On Wednesdays, Lisa dives Karen and Nance to school. They tiptoe down the hall to their classroom to find a lady in gray clothes and gray hair. Karen immediately judges her and declares her mean. I immediately like this lady. She seems like she's going to bring in the order to this hot mess of a classroom. The gray lady tells them to take their seats and no talking. But Ms. C lets us do whatever we want in the morning! WELL MS. C ISN'T HERE! is what I would say. Enemy Pamela is already there, minding her business (the nerve). Mrs. Hoffman introduces herself. She is a Mrs, so I wonder about her husband and if they pretend to do some strict teacher action at home. Karen notes that Mrs. H does not smile. This reminds me of student- teaching with a mentor teacher who was a lot like Mrs. H. She told me not to smile until Christmas because otherwise the kids would walk all over you. I don't really agree with that philosophy.
Anyway, Mrs. H puts the kids in alphabetical order and Karen is still in the front (Because Brewer starts with B.) No kidding Karen!! I'm telling you, this is the extra support class. Pamela raises her hand to compliment the new seating arrangement and for one split second, the spotlight is not on Karen. Karen explains THIS is why she doesn't like Pamela. This exchange also earns Mrs. H the ever famous nickname, The Trunchball...I mean, Hatey Hoffman.
Chapter 7- *** and XXX (Exes and oh oh oh's they want me!)
The class does some math workbook pages while Mrs. H is making something with a ruler and straight lines. When Karen finishes, she just stares off into space. Mrs. H tells her to knock it off because it's creeping her out and Karen blushes, then pulls out a copy of Dr. Dolittle. And Jacob two- two dies a little inside.
After math, Mrs. H puts up the class Chore Chart. In my class they're called classroom jobs and the kids love it. I have them fill out little applications for the job they want (like pencil sharpener, errand runner, board cleaner,) and it's really cute. They always ask me when they can do their jobs. Kids LOVE to help. But not Karen. She pouts because if you do your chores and get 15 stars, you get a certificate. She wanted an iPhone or an xBox or something. Ha, like a sub is going to spend her own money on prizes for you. Karen's job is to clean the sink. She pouts again because she has to clean a mess. This part really bothered me. I always tell my students it is NOT the janitor's job or my job or your parents' job to clean up your intentional mess. But Karen the self entitled little brat is acting like she's too much of a princess to clean. Pam's job is to clean Hootie the guinea pig's cage. I feel like that would be the job everyone would fight over. But Karen informs us that that's a disgusting job (umm..says the girl who has a pet rat.)
Chapter 8- The Dunce, (or Karen finally gets her comeuppance)
The next morning, Karen is being a brat again. First she tries to make Seth late for work by stalling so she'd have less time at school. Then she shouts at Ricky across the room about a funny part in Dr. Dolittle. Mrs. H scolds her and the class stares. This only reinforces Karen's behavior because she loves her some attention, positive or negative. You have to ignore a lot when it comes to those kids.
Mrs. H announces a surprise spelling quiz and Karen shouts again. Then Mrs. H asks who the paper passer is and Karen shouts yet again. Mrs. H asks Karen what gets into her and asks her where her best manners are. Karen quietly passes out papers while she wonders what manner are. Well they're these things most of us learn when we're two years old about treating people with respect. But as we all know, Karen missed that lesson and now all of Stoneybrook has to pay the consequences.
Later that day, Karen doodles in her science book. Mrs. H yells at her and makes her stand in the corner. This was always my favorite part as a kid because I remember thinking YES! Finally! Karen has a consequence! "Ms. C never makes us stand in the corner. She lets us do whatever we want." I could just see the conversation between Mrs. H and the principal when she got hired.
Principal: So you'll be taking on a long- term subbing job for Coleman. Now I need to warn you, this is the extra support class and most of these kids need special help.
Mrs. H: oh, like special needs? Do they have accommodations?
Principal: We don't know. We've never seen any paperwork because Coleman lets them do whatever they want.
Mrs. H: Oh my, well that won't do.
Principal: I'll be honest, her classroom management skills aren't the best. We've been looking to replace her because she's always hungover in the mornings. So usually I wouldn't consider a boob job an excused absence, but we really need to get someone orderly in that class.
Mrs. H: I'll try my best and introduce them to a few rules. Any kids in particular I should be aware of?
Principal: Just don't tell Karen Brewer she's in the extra support class. She thinks she's skipped a grade and her parents asked us to keep up this lie so as to not damage her ego.
Mrs. H: Are you fucking kidding me
Chapter 9- Two Straight Lines (the broke their bread, brushed their teeth, and went to bed.)
Mrs. H actually teaches the kids her expectations instead of just giving them orders. She has them practice lining up. "Ms. C never made us do that! She makes us practice the golden rule (and I'm not sure what that is,) but not lining up!" The golden rule Karen is a lot line manner- oh wait, you don't know about those either.
The class clatters into a scraggly line, knock over a chair, and make a ton of noise. Ha, and you thought you didn't need practice. The principal was right! Thinks Mrs. H. These kids are wild animals! So she puts them in two straight lines, girls in one, boys in the other. Karen is the leader of her line (because B is for Brewer! Yayy!) Everyone stares at the class on their way to gym. Outstanding, thinks the principal. Just the other day I wouldn't have gotten near this class and now they're actually acting like human being- "HEY!" shouts Karen and ruins it. "The PRINCIPAL is staring at us!" The principal makes a run for it and Mrs. H asks her again where her manners are. Then she tells her she has extra homework that weekend- write a 50 word essay on why I should Follow School Rules.
But there is a silver lining. Pam doesn't do her chore and gets an X. Karen is happy to see her mad. This is a good example of the opposite of the golden rule, Karen.
Chapter 10- School Rules (Gonna write an essay, that's what I say!)
It'sFriday evening and the big house family has nothing better to do than listen intently to Karen's drama. Very bitter about alphabetical order, Karen storms to her room to begin her essay. After the whole Spongebob procrastination episode, she manages to write the title. Then she makes up a song about Mrs. H. My friends and I used to do that too but we had original tunes. Karen uses Old McDonald because that song is probably on repeat in both houses as a desperate attempt for Karen to finally learn her animal noises.
Chapter 10- Tricking Mrs. Hoffman (why can't Sam be my big brother)
Sam knocks on Karen's door. At first she's afraid it was Watson and he would be cross with her. (They turn British all of a sudden?) But it's a Friday night and Sam isn't at his high school football game, or at a party trying to get Stacey McGill drunk. He's in his 6 year old sister's bedroom caring deeply about her new teacher issue.
"Sam came into my room. He closed the door behind him. Then he sat on by bed."
Shits about to go down!! I remember thinking as a kid it almost seemed like Sam had a crush on Karen. They're only 9 years apart and not blood related so it could happen. Anyway, Sam tells her that substitutes are fun to play tricks on. He gives her some examples and then she calls Hannie to give her the latest. "Boo you whore!" Says Hannie. "Come on this is Mrs. Hoffman! Sam just gave me so many ideas." She and Hannie talk until Kristy calls her a phone hog. When I read these books with my students they're so flabbergasted that two people couldn't be on the phone at the same time. And I'm all, "Gather around children and I'll tell you the tale... (dusts off old dusty book)... of the LANDLINE!"
Confused and bewildered about her powwow with Sam, Karen finishes her essay. She used the words very and really over and over as a filler but is not subtle about it at all.
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Wakey wakey...?
So as people on the Facebook community have said, and I'm sure everyone's felt, bsc_snark on both DW and LJ have been very quiet as of late.
I'll own up to some responsibility. I became a moderator eleven years ago, almost twelve. I was still in college, and honestly, I think I was... maybe a little more engaged in the snarkier aspects of the internet than I am now, reading Cleolinda ALL the time, binging Nostalgia Critic videos, etc. I suspect that's how it is with a lot of you. I'm not as there as I used to be, especially as my life went to shit a few years ago, and it took me a while to come back from that. Now I'm very busy for other reasons. That being said, I am very much still interested in analyzing literature, including books I liked as a kid. (And still have a little bit of love for, deep down.) I also still love good snark. And honestly, I love this community.
So my question is this: Is there anything that would bolster your involvement here? Let joykilldrama and I know, either privately or in the comments.
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Netflix Series Discussion
Want to discuss the Netflix series? Here is the space to do so! PLEASE mark the top of your post for whichever episodes you're spoiling or discussing, although each episode is pretty by the book, though there are some twists and diversions. (Which I like. Let's just say I get why they set the show now and not in the 90's, even though part of me was going "wait, where are the masks? What happened to social distancing?" LOL.)
Oh, and feel free to do or link to your own recaps! We're just taking a detour from the usual snark in this post. And don't forget to tell your friends about us! This is a great opportunity to rekindle all the snarky goodness. With love.
ETA: I created an easier system. See comments. Note that spoilers may still be visible, so read with caution and scroll liberally if you're spoiler sensitive.
Oh, and feel free to do or link to your own recaps! We're just taking a detour from the usual snark in this post. And don't forget to tell your friends about us! This is a great opportunity to rekindle all the snarky goodness. With love.
ETA: I created an easier system. See comments. Note that spoilers may still be visible, so read with caution and scroll liberally if you're spoiler sensitive.
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